Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Have Mercy, O Lord, and Disrupt this PowerPoint Presentation with Thy Power

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Oh, good. The meeting should be winding down soon. Jack said it should run until about eleven o’clock, and it’s already a quarter to. I’ll just drink the last of my water and place the cup down demonstratively, just to emphasize that point.

What’s this? Who is that going over to the screen? Uh oh. Oh please God, tell me Linda’s just picking up something, or fiddling with the equipment, not preparing to give a presentation. Her presentations drone on and on. No! No! She’s loading a PowerPoint file! But we’re supposed to finish soon! I’m supposed to get back to my cubicle and get stuff done! I’ll look over at the boss who’s…nodding at her and looking expectantly in her direction! Oh, crap!

Is this some mistake? Did I hear Jack wrong? Did he say eleven-thirty, not eleven? Cripes. What am I going to do? I have mounds and mounds of paperwork to get done. I can’t be trapped in here like some lab rodent, and get bombarded with bullet point after bullet point of utter BS. We’ve been at it for more than an hour already, and I can’t take anymore.

Got to think of some pretext to leave. I already went to the bathroom at about ten, so that’s out. And even if I did leave as if to take a leak, I couldn’t very well take all my stuff with me; that would give away the game. There’s got to be some way to manufacture a good excuse. But it’s got to be good enough to explain why I’m taking all my papers with me.

A hacking cough won’t do it; that’s just a distraction, and the boss will expect me to come right back in when the attack subsides. Same with sneezing. I can fake a sneeze with the best of ’em, but that’s not going to get me and my things out of here. It’s gotta be something more debilitating, something that lasts longer.

Abdominal pain? Maybe. But that’s not something that strikes suddenly; it has to build up. In the time it takes to establish a convincing crescendo of groans and grasping my midsection, the meeting will be all but over anyway. Maybe I can fake nausea. But that, too, doesn’t really set in at a moment’s notice if you’re just sitting there. Mental note: buy some fake vomit for use in emergencies.

If I do anything too drastic, though, I’ll call too much attention to my problem, and that will make things unnecessarily complicated: I’ll have to lie about how I feel, whether I need medical attention, the works. I just need a good way to excuse my departure. How I wish there’d be a fire drill or something! I could easily get away with pretending not to know to reconvene.

What about sabotage? The presentation equipment is all plugged into sockets on the floor underneath the table. Can I surreptitiously reach the cords with my foot and disconnect any of them? Let’s see…I’ll slink a bit lower in my chair and extend my legs…wait, is that a foot? I hope that’s not a foot. Tricia is across from me, but she can’t reach this far. Better withdraw before anything awkward happens.

Oh, Jesus. A technicolor pie chart. What a friggin’ assault on the eyes. What is wrong with you, Linda? I am beginning to loathe that woman, and I am not, in general, a hateful person. Think, man, think!

Hey, wait, it looks like she’s finishing up. It’s only four minutes to eleven. Would you look at that. I guess I won’t be imprisoned here in Hell after all. No need to risk embarrassing myself anymore. Now everyone’s getting up, gathering their things. Excellent. I’ll do the sa-

Oh, no. I can’t pull away from the table. My shoe – it’s caught on one of the power cords connected to the floor! And everyone else is now standing up! I’m still sitting here, looking like a fool! Quick, I’ll grab some papers and start writing random notes until everyone else leaves. Then I’ll slide under the table and disentangle my shoe from the cords.

Oh, Lord, no, don’t tell me the boss and a few others are sitting down again for another little meeting! I have no choice now!

(Points out the window) “What in the world can that be?” (ducks under table).

Oh, Lord, please let this meeting end quickly so I can escape and go kill myself.


Written by Thag

January 27, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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