Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Wanted: Personal Assistant. Must Keep Mouth Shut

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OK, Peterson. Time do get to the administrative stuff. Got a pen?

Smith must work at least eight shifts this week, but none of them may be consecutive. McBride has a doctor appointment on Wednesday afternoon, and must therefore switch with Keller, and that in turn necessitates shifting Zimmerman to the following morning. Zimmerman will handle two shifts in a row that day, so Wong will back her up in case she needs a break. That means Wong will get get a shorter evening shift on Saturday, so someone has to pick up the slack, because Wong, Jordan, Michaels and Gonzalez are all maxed out for the week.

We need more coffee supplies in the kitchenette, but not too many; there are only two small cabinets and a tiny fridge. But we need to supply coffee, tea, milk, sugar, artificial sweetener, snack foods and hot chocolate for all twenty staffers for the next five days. Jordan is allergic to peanuts. Meriwether won’t touch wheat. Gonzalez is lactose intolerant. Zimmerman keeps kosher. I find greasy foods repulsive. And McBride is off sugar for a while.

It’s Michaels’s turn to collect the incoming mail, but his kid is home with the flu for at least a day or two more, so maybe McBride can switch with him – oh, wait, McBride’s appointments always run late, so scratch that. Try Wong – no, Wong just did it last week. Well, maybe she won’t mind. Put her down tentatively and get her OK.

Jordan is up next to polish my shoes and pick up my children from school. Wallace will handle my manicure and pedicure, but he must also be on call for back and foot massages if need be.

My mistress is going to visit, but so is my wife, and it will fall to you this week to run interference and prevent each from knowing of the other’s presence; check with McBride to make sure the smoke grenade inventory is sufficient. This week, Gonzalez will alternate with Zimmerman in sleeping at the office and keeping the disgruntled DeVries from gaining entry. We shall not have a repeat of last February, when both Petrovich and McNeil managed to get in and take back their possessions.

Michaels will take care of reminding the various subjects of our blackmail to make their regular payments, expect for Duvall and Markowitz; I shall handle those myself. Once he finishes those messages, Michaels will report to me any recalcitrants, so that Jordan, Gonzalez and he can furnish some bodily reminders of why our continued relationship is so important.

If Gingrich calls, put him on hold for at least five minutes; the jerk deserves to stew a little. Same goes for Boehner, but for him it can be two minutes. If Martha calls about those playoff tickets, tell her we need six more, or her husband doesn’t come home from work this week at all.

Oh, and one more thing: put a notice on the board that everyone should relax.


Written by Thag

January 19, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , , , ,

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