Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Closed Captioned for the Thinking Impaired

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To Mr. Glenn Beck:

This letter stems from the recent realization that a good bit of the trouble in our world stems from your inability to keep your mouth shut. I believe I have hit on an approach that might address this problem at the source, so please continue reading.

If nothing else, the continued reading will give you an idea, if only for a moment, of what it is like to read and absorb material instead of spouting it. That is a necessary and not altogether unpleasant first step, although I understand that some people find it uncomfortable.

But the main thrust of my message is not one of passivity: no, I recommend that you find a proactive solution to the ignorant incitement that regularly spills from between your lips. This can take many forms, but I will gladly lay out for you the various treatment options, and you can choose from among the list. In keeping with our American ideal of freedom of choice, you should know that selecting one option does not necessarily rule out all of the others; some options lend themselves easily to being combined with others.

1. Staple your lips together. Though crude, this technique has been known to eliminate verbal drivel entirely for extended periods. While sealed, the mouth cannot produce coherent statements, which means that the entire time your lips are stapled, the world is spared your idiotic pontification. Advantages: uses supplies found at home or office. Disadvantage: some pain, severe impact on nutrition.

2. Glue your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Slightly more sophisticated than option 1, gluing your tongue to the roof of your mouth still allows you to subsist on an all-liquid diet, but preserves the inability to express things verbally. Assuming you find the right type of adhesive, this option also tends to last longer than the staples, which might come loose, or require removal once they cause the inevitable infection. Advantages: long-lasting; less painful. Disadvantages: requires some knowledge of adhesives; foul taste in mouth; risk of poisoning.

3. Sew your mouth shut. This takes time, but the result is far more convincing than with staples, and overall, less messy, if you do it properly. Since it does require skill, it is recommended that you have someone else do the actual needlepoint. Advantages: aesthetics; justified sanctimony in receiving, in some measure, the wounds of Christ. Disadvantages: May cause itching; stitches may deteriorate or come loose; mild risk of infection.

4. Remove your tongue entirely. Few people, if any, can communicate effectively in speech if lacking a tongue. You must take care if you choose this option, however, as the tongue is dense muscle that has quite a bit of blood coursing through it. The best technique involves hiring a competent team of doctors, though that might prove expensive. Advantages: permanence; possibility of donating tongue to a patient in need. Disadvantages: loss of ability to taste; compromised ability to make faces at children.

5. Remove vocal cords. This option, as well, best serves one who can afford a team of doctors; trying it at home is possible, but risky. Removal of your vocal cords will allow you to eliminate normal speech but retain the ability to taste your food and make faces at children. And if you absolutely must, some whispering is possible, but doing so excessively will irritate your throat. As a bonus, if you know how to burp well, you can hone your ability to produce tonal speech even without vocal cords. This advanced technique will allow you to speak short words or phrases when necessary, but will nevertheless restrict you from holding forth at length in your customary demagogic manner. Advantages: balance between shutting up and tasting food; lack of unsightly external mutilation (if performed correctly). Disadvantages: loss of singing voice; raspy whispers when communication is attempted.

It is possible I left out a number of options, and I am sure others could suggest measures not outlined above. In that respect, please note that I have included only those options that maintain some semblance of your human dignity, which is more than you can say for the targets of your rants. If, however, you come to the conclusion that your life’s work has rendered you unfit to continue living, I remain available for consultation regarding recommended approaches to removing yourself from the population.

Yours truly,



Written by Thag

January 19, 2011 at 2:43 pm

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