Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Will You Shut Up? I’m Trying to Swim

with 2 comments

Rules of Pool Use:

1. No one wants your bodily slime in the pool, and we hope you do not want anyone else’s there. So shower thoroughly before entering the pool.

2. Urine goes in the toilet only. We really should not have to tell you that it does not belong in the pool. If people wanted to swim in your urine, they would go to your toilet, not this pool.

3. Speedos are prohibited unless the wearer has a physique that is a pleasure to behold.

4. If you wish to run in the pool area, you must first sign a waiver absolving the pool management of responsibility for the consequences. As an aside, the pool facility does have some medical supplies, but we charge for their use.

5. Idling is prohibited in the lap lanes of the pool. Swimmers who encounter persons idling in the lap lanes may forcibly remove the swimwear of the idlers and hold it for ransom.

6. Do not flirt with the lifeguards.

7. All ogling of lithe bodies must be done discreetly. Catcalls, stares or other non-subtle appreciations of the human form in all its sensual beauty will result in dismissal from the facility.

8. The pool management accepts no responsibility for injuries or damage sustained to persons or property resting within twenty feet of the pool edge. You want to lie around and get a tan? Go to the beach or rent a lounge chair.

9. The pool is not a love nest. Couples who wish to embrace or intertwine their limbs must reserve this activity for more private environs.

10. Changing rooms function as their name indicates. Pool guests may not inflict their nudity upon others present beyond the bare minimum necessary for preparation and/or changing. Violators will find their names and photographs published on Facebook.

11. Food is prohibited in the pool area. So are littering, smoking, shouting, fighting, playing music, dancing and foul language. Your right to express yourself through these activities disappears when you enter this facility. Violators will be given violent swimsuit wedgies by frustrated children’s swim instructors.

12. When the pool is in use for swimming lessons, you must wait until the lessons end before entering it. Any mention of your “valuable time” in objecting to this arrangement will be met with a knee to the groin.

13. Faking a need for rescue will result in intentional drowning of the perpetrator.


Written by Thag

January 18, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , , , ,

2 Responses

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  1. I wonder how strange I am if I thought of mosquitos breeding when I read rule 9… hrm.

    A humorous set of rules for the pool.



    January 19, 2011 at 1:17 am

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