Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

I Could Use Some USB Hot Chocolate

with 3 comments

As I sit here in my USB gloves, wondering whether using them makes me more of a nerd or a geek, I realize that they do a very effective job of warming a full square inch on the back of each hand. The incongruity of cold fingers and warm hands has confused me. I need to lie down.

But I can’t lie down, because the gloves are plugged into the USB jack, and the lying-down surface is farther away than the cord will extend. So I sit here instead as my homeostasis becomes ever more precarious. All for five bucks plus shipping! I feel like Homer Simpson after he got each arm stuck in different vending machines. Or a deer in headlights. I think. I can’t decide which. That ability has been impaired.

Now would be a bad time to ask for my opinion on anything. Not that any other time is good; but at least at other times you can expect a semi-articulate answer, full of sound and fury and signifying the need to have an opinion about everything except cabbage farming (I’m in favor, unless I’m opposed; but if they are USB cabbages, well, sign me up).

OK, I take back that parenthetical comment. I just googled the phrase “USB cabbage” and discovered just such a product. Granted, it’s merely a USB flash drive shaped vaguely like a cabbage, but what is this world coming to? How unlikely a term must one use in order to find an object that has not been USBified? You can even find mention of a USB squeegee and USB toilet paper.

I am happy to report, though, that as of this moment, the phrase “USB toothpick” does not turn up any products by that name. So if you’re looking for an entrée into the market, you’ve got your niche right there. You might also try USB halibut. Act now, though, because it’s only a matter of time before someone else swoops in and snatches up these ideas. that’s what happened with AIDS. I was just wondering aloud, back in the early part of last century, when we might have a human immunodeficiency virus, and bam! Should have kept that idea to myself until I could capitalize on it.

And that whole exploding space shuttle thing. That was my idea! NASA stole it from me! Twice! I really should keep my mouth shut. Every big idea I have, someone else usurps. That’s not gonna happen this time, though. Nobody‘s gonna flood Brisbane before I

Oh, brother. What does it take, huh? Maybe I should keep it simple.

Say, anyone for a USB bathtub toaster?


Written by Thag

January 11, 2011 at 11:59 pm

3 Responses

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  1. lol. Crazy but interesting way of writing about technology. I couldn’t make USB gadgets sound that spicy 😉

    I’ll keep a tab…just to know what else you come up with 😉 I’m liking this blog already


    January 12, 2011 at 12:07 am

  2. when you find a usb space heater, let me know. that’s what i was looking for when i bought the gloves. and btw–my parents have usb hot chocolate. or at least a usb mug warmer….


    January 13, 2011 at 8:44 am

  3. The usb mug warmer doesn’t warm the mug a whole lot.


    January 14, 2011 at 8:02 pm

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