Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Appealing to All Your Bather Instincts

with 2 comments

What the Children Wish You to Know About Bath or Shower Time

1. You must be yelling about “no splashing” for your health or something, because all that noise seems to have no effect.

2. Just because I am a few weeks shy of ten years old, and use the shower nozzle instead of bathing, do not expect me to leave the bath toys alone. Expect them all to be left scattered about the tub, with water filling every possible cavity.

3. I will imagine the water going into my eyes, and react with crying and uncooperative movement, long before the water actually gets near my eyes.

4. No matter how many times you tell me to keep my eyes tightly closed so water and shampoo do not bother them, I will open them wide in shock as soon as the first droplets of water make contact.

5. Despite what you think, the mirror over the vanity serves not to aid in personal grooming, which we children have yet to learn to care about; rather, its purpose lies solely in its ability to distract those of us tall enough to practice making faces before it.

6. The number of times the baby poops in the tub correlates directly with the number of children whose bathing will be disrupted as a result.

7. You didn’t know a thing when you had cheap doorposts installed on the bathroom entrance, did you? But now, as a result of terminal bathtime flooding, you’re stuck with a warped doorway that will not allow the door to close. We will complain about this incessantly when we have no recourse to prevent our siblings from violating our showertime privacy. Be prepared for YEARS of unpleasantness in this regard.

8. Seriously. It may well wreck our family.

9. If towels were meant to be hung up right after use, they would come equipped with automatic hang-up mechanisms.

10. Reason has no bearing on cold. It matters not a whit that remaining wrapped in a wet towel does not help us warm up; what matters is that removing the towel involves exposure, which we shall not abide. We would rather freeze than realize that our course of inaction will make us freeze.

11. We will continue to want the cute animal towels long after they are comically too small to cover or dry us in any meaningful way.


Written by Thag

January 3, 2011 at 8:16 pm

2 Responses

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  1. Very funny! My two are still too little for showers, the few times I’ve forced them to shower on holiday they reacted as if I was sprinkling battery acid on their skin!


    January 3, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    • Ooh, battery acid. I’m sure it has many dermatological benefits – chief among them that if you use enough of it, you will no longer need a dermatologist at all.


      January 4, 2011 at 7:13 am

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