Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

I Am Woman; Hear Me Burp

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OK, I lied; I’m not a woman. And you can’t hear me burp, at least not through this medium.

I’ve never even been a woman, but I have one as a spouse. She understands women more than I do, which doesn’t say much. She actually asks me to explain many aspects of fashion to her, and it usually comes down to something being attractive to men, which I sort of understand. What I don’t understand is why propeller beanies went out of fashion. They did, right? I can’t find them at any of the high-end retailers.

In fact I’ve never even played a woman on TV, or anywhere else. I was on TV once, or at least the left corner of my glasses was (somebody tall was between me and the camera; I was about nine). In college our dramatics society put on a production of Inherit the Wind, which calls for a bunch of female characters, but the lack of female cast members meant I couldn’t even play opposite a woman.

But I can certainly burp. I can generate sonorous belches on demand, though there seems to be less demand for it these days. Used to be I could keep a roomful of peers enthralled and entertained for what seemed like hours, or at least until some “grown-up” put a stop to the fun. Now, at best I get dirty looks, at worst outright admonishment about corrupting the youth. Corrupting the youth? As if my output/input makes a difference? Jeepers, people; better they spend their time learning to mimic a barge coming through than learning truly unsavory practices, such as painfully obvious attention whoring via ambiguous Facebook status changes (“If you’re not going to apologize…””One more time.””I do wish the penguin would stop it.”).

My original technique involved swallowing a bit of air just so, but pretty soon I honed my skill to the point of almost instantaneous, loud air gurgitation. This talent helped me stand apart from my contemporaries, who were engaged in nondescript, humdrum pastimes such as basketball or learning a mode of communication with girls that does not involve what can only be described as harassment. Eventually, I picked up the latter skill set without sacrificing the burping prowess. Basketball, on the other hand, I still avoid.

Now my six-year-old can burp, or at least maximize the volume of an impending burp. It remains to be seen whether he will acquire the ability necessary to generate a belch at a moment’s notice; I do not wish to impose my approach on his nascent talent, so I will wait to see what develops. For some reason the “grown-ups” are happier that way.


Written by Thag

December 31, 2010 at 11:49 am

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