Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Hello, Would You Please Hang Up on Me?

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Caller: Hello, may I speak to Thag?

Me: This is Thag.

Caller: Hello, this is Thwonga. I’m calling from one of your cellular carrier’s rivals to offer you big savings.

Me: I spend about $25 a month.

Caller: Well, you have a good day, sir.

****

Caller: Hello, may I speak to Thag?

Me: This is Thag.

Caller: Hi, I’m calling to take a survey of Muslim households.

Me: We’re not Muslim.

Caller: You have a good day, then, sir, and burn in Hell.

****

Caller: Hello, may I speak to Thag?

Me: This is Thag.

Caller: Hi, this is Mortho. I’m calling to offer you big savings for switching to us as your internet provider.

Me: I haven’t the faintest idea what I pay, so I’m not the right person to talk to.

Caller: With whom should I speak?

Me: With my wife.

Caller: May I speak with her?

Me: No.

Caller: Sir, how can I speak with the person who makes these decisions if you won’t let me?

Me: That’s your problem, dude, not mine. Goodbye.

****

Caller: Hello, may I speak to Thag?

Me: This is Thag.

Caller: Hi, I’m calling on behalf of We Embezzle, a charitable organization devoted to caring for our city’s neediest lobbyists.

Me: How did you get my name?

Caller: We call everyone in the phone book, sir.

Me: I gave at the office.

Caller: Sir, we’ve never collected before. That’s not possible.

Me: I don’t give over the phone. Send me your information by mail and I’ll review it.

Caller: Sir, it’s much easier for us to collect over the phone.

Me: Ma’am, it’s much easier for you not to call me at all.

Caller: May I have your mailing address?

Me: Sure. It’s 1-2-3 Go To Hell-

Caller: I’m sorry, sir, could you repeat that?

Me: I SAID, GO TO HELL.

Caller: You too, sir. Have a good day.

****

Caller: Hello, may I speak to Thag?

Me: This is Thag.

Caller: Hi, this is Borff, calling from dontinterruptmydinner.com. I’m calling to offer you a telemarketing screening package that will block telemarketers from calling you during dinnertime.

Me: And you called during dinner to demonstrate how much I might benefit from this service?

Caller: You eat dinner at eleven o’clock in the morning?

Me: I eat dinner whenever a telemarketer calls. That way I can yell at them for interrupting my dinner and have a valid excuse not to listen to their spiel.

Caller: You have a good day, sir.

****

Caller: Hello, may I speak to Thag?

Me: This is Thag.

Caller: Hi, this is Foog. I’m calling from the Committee to Elect Hugh Bribetaker. Would you care to hear what Mr. Bribetaker has to offer the residents of your area?

Me: You got thirty seconds.

Caller: Thank you sir. Are you tired of honest-looking candidates who turn out to be corrupt, selfish people once they’re elected? Hugh Bribetaker says enough; he’ll tell right up front he’s no honest man. He’ll sell out to the highest bidder. If you find this kind of honesty refreshing, vote Hugh Bribetaker.

Me: That was refreshing. You want a contribution?

****

Caller: Hello, may I speak to Thag?

Me: This is Thag.

Caller: Hi, this is Flubba. I got your name from Bilch, who recommended I call you. Are you able to babysit tomorrow night?

Me: Are you sure you have the right number? I stopped babysitting about seventeen years ago. I’m thirty-five.

Caller: That’s why I called you. I need someone to babysit my twenty-year-old cheerleader daughter.

Me: What time should I be there?

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Written by Thag

December 25, 2010 at 9:57 pm

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