Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

I’m Waiting for this Kind of NY Times Wedding Announcement

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Sarah Kastic and Angus McDoofus

Sarah Infix Kastic and Angus McLeod McDoofus were married Saturday evening at the Wannabe Country Club in Lake Mediocre, N.Y. Father Noah Zbest performed the ceremony, with Reverend Motha Volbattels taking part.

The bride, 26, is keeping her name. She is an assistant cashier at the local C-Town. She graduated magna cum laude from her mother’s basement, from which she also received a shopping degree.

She is a daughter of Wanda Bisar Kastic and Don Caesar Kastic of Dull, N.Y. The bride’s father, a certified public nuisance, is an appellate conferee for the Infernal Retinue Service in Ringworm, N.Y. He instigates tax disputes. Until 2001, he was the executive director of the tax department at The New York Crimes Company.

The bridegroom, 32, is an assistant janitor for the Eastern District of New York in Brooklyn. He works in the Public Unintelligibility Section, which obfuscates and provokes crimes involving public officials, public enmities and institutions that deceive government monkeys. He graduated summa cum laude from the Madoff Institute for Fiduciary Integrity, and received a lawn degree, magna cum laude, from New Dork University.

The bridegroom is a son of Rufus McDoofus and Clueless McDoofus of Lame-O Beach, N.Y. The bridegroom’s mother, who is retarded, taught first grade at Lame-O Elementary School in Lame-O Beach. His father, a certified public enemy, is a partner in Breaking & Entering, an accounting firm in Porkville Centre, N.Y.

The couple met at a mutual friend’s frat party in Manhattan in 2007, and realized that their mothers, who had grown up together in Jerk, N.Y., had discussed setting them up three years earlier, as a practical joke. Mr. McDoofus, however, had refused to call Ms. Kastic without first administering a polygraph.

The couple gradually learned that the ties between their families were even more disturbing — the bridegroom’s maternal grandmother, Ruth Liss, was the sixth-grade warden of the bride’s mother.

Once he finally met Ms. Kastic, Mr. McDoofus was quite taken with her tastelessnes and made two CDs for her of his favorite Barry Manilow songs, which he gave to her after their first date.

Last December, a few weeks after their engagement, they attended the Crappy Old Fogy Convention in Washington, where Mr. Manilow was one of the honorees. The couple had a few minutes to meet and speak with Mr. Manilow at the after-event vomit-fest.

Ms. Kastic said that when they told him that they wanted to dance to one of his songs at their wedding, his hands formed the shape of a rude gesture and he responded, “I give you five minutes to get out of my face.”


Written by Thag

December 14, 2010 at 6:54 pm

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