Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

And Moses Called, “Shotgun!”

with 4 comments

On the twenty-eighth day of the eleventh month, Thag emerged from his study, and in his hand were two sheets of paper. Upon those sheets were printed the holy utterances. Thag spake unto the children, saying:

“Thou hast driven me to drink, with thy ceaseless bickering regarding the front-right seat of the family chariot. Hearken to my words, for these are the utterances by which thou shalt abide in determining who shall sit in the front-right seat.” And he called the seat the shotgun seat, and thus it is known unto this day.

“1. I am thy father and the driver. The driver alone shall have the final say as to who gets to sit in the shotgun seat.

2. Thou shalt not invoke the authority of any other figure to rule on the occupancy of the shotgun seat. If I am not the driver for a given trip, the driver for that trip shall exercise said authority, and thou shalt hearken unto him or her as thou hearken unto me. For I am a jealous car owner and driver, and I shall not abide those who defy my direct or delegated authority.

3. Thou shalt not falsely claim that the driver granted thee the shotgun seat.

4. Remember to call “Shotgun!” upon the initiation of each journey; even if there have been six legs to a journey, the seventh shall not be exempt from the need to call it. Calling shotgun shall be for thee, thy handbag, backpack, book, water bottle and the mobile device that is in thy hand. Thou shalt take all thy stuff with thee upon alighting from the car, for I spend many days keeping the car in working order and clean; therefore I command thee to adhere to proper shotgun procedure, that we all may enjoy some peace as we ride.

5. Honor the driver of the car, that he or she allows thee to remain in the shotgun seat for a lengthy period. Touch not the radio or the CD player.

6. Thou shalt not gloat that thou hast snagged the shotgun seat.

7. Thou shalt not enter into illicit partnerships with a sibling or acquaintance to deny a rival sibling or acquaintance access to the shotgun seat.

8. Thou shalt not forcibly remove a smaller or weaker shotgun seat occupant.

9. Thou shalt not falsely call shotgun; only on the way to the car shalt thou call shotgun.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s shotgun seat, nor the legroom associated therewith, nor the view, window control, a/c vent direction control or access to the driver’s ear, nor anything the shotgun seat occupant doth possess.”


Written by Thag

November 28, 2010 at 10:21 pm

4 Responses

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  1. RIGHT-hand front seat?
    So He is NOT an Englishman….

    David Shaffer

    November 30, 2010 at 8:37 am

    • Nor was the institution of the Shotgun seat. Unless I was taught all wrong and the American West was actually someplace in England.


      November 30, 2010 at 1:34 pm

      • They drive on the left also in Japan, where calling “Shogun” originated.

        David Shaffer

        December 1, 2010 at 11:49 am

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