Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

If You’re Young, I Hate You

with 4 comments

I say, reinstitute the draft, pronto.

This is not because I believe we need more people in military service; not because the military has a way of negating socioeconomic gaps; not because I believe the skills and experience one gains in military service are of irreplaceable value. No, I say reinstitute the draft because I have it in for young people.

I can’t help it. It seems to be a rite of passage into fogyhood, which, at age 35, I can lay claim to reaching, at least in the eyes of those young people I seem to detest so much. I mean, come on: the kids for whom I babysat are now parents themselves. How much more evidence do you want?

Oh. Well, I can provide some more.

The last time I attended a movie was in 1999. We still have a working VCR (two, in fact, though technically one of them belongs to my in-laws). I still feel the need to say “digital” before the word “camera”. I still drive the 2001 car we bought new. I have a mess of white hairs (I refuse to say at what age they began sprouting, but it was definitely in double digits). I get nervous around teenagers (instead of disdainful; I believe that transition occurs somewhere around age 25). My metabolism has slowed to the point that I might consider restricting my food intake.

But it’s not as if this development comes as a complete surprise. Every generation must have its fogies bemoaning the decline of contemporary youth. I never texted during class. I never engaged in cyberbullying, and neither did any of my schoolmates, even the really nasty ones. I never downloaded pre-written papers. I never listened to pirated mp3s.

Today’s youth? No standards, I tell you. No appreciation for process; everything must be available now. Well, the army would take care of that in a jiffy. There‘s your instant gratification, or at least mine. The army will teach those whippersnappers to hurry up and wait like nobody’s business. The army will show them what a Hummer was really designed for. Then we’ll see how quickly they change their Facebook status to reflect the latest inanity in their cloistered, coddled lives.

Why, when I was their age…well, I was their age, so my shenanigans were similar. I cut school to go to the mall and see Lethal Weapon 3. I went to the bathroom and flushed the teacher’s note instead of taking it to the principal’s office. I liberated a bag of Fritos from someone else’s lunch bag while the classroom was empty during recess (OK, that’s digging pretty far back; I think that was in third grade). But I never tried to defeat my parents’ Net Nanny – in fact they never even needed one. Our generation was clearly superior. It would have to be, if the historical pattern is to be maintained.

So I stand by my thesis. Draft all the entitled little whiners. Then whenever I encounter a gaggle of hormone-crazed teens I can hold the prospect over them, and regain a bit of control over the world they will eventually take over.

And when they do, I plan to be dead.


Written by Thag

November 25, 2010 at 3:55 pm

4 Responses

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  1. young punk


    November 25, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    • What do young punks become when they age? Republicans?


      November 25, 2010 at 10:06 pm

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