Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Needs More Condescension

with 4 comments

You guys are just not holding up your end of the bargain.

I slave over a lukewarm keyboard to produce what would be reams of exquisite drivel in meatspace, and all I get for my efforts is an average of twelve unique visitors a day. This has got to stop.

Let me remind you of the arrangement: I post about once daily, sometimes more, and you visit my blog in such numbers as to make advertisers slobber all over me (figuratively, please), thereby guaranteeing me a respectable income without my leaving the house.

Unfortunately, while I have been doing just fine on my end, the rest of you have been, shall we say, slacking. This forces me to consider seeking actual gainful employment, and as my former employers can tell you, that’s probably not a good thing. It’s not just my livelihood at stake here, people: the very health of the global economy rests on your shoulders. Do you want me toppling small business after small business with my strategic incompetence?

And you don’t have to buy a thing! I’m not exhorting you to blow your meager savings on crap just to prop up the corrupt, top-heavy capitalist system; that’s what the holiday shopping season is for. Me, I just want some perceived popularity so those very same top-heavy capitalists will see dollar signs in Mightier Than The Pen.

Lest you think me inflexible in the way I view this arrangement, I hereby attest that I am perfectly willing to waive all that advertising and accept a lucrative buyout offer. It can come from any of those top-heavy capitalist entities, but just as legitimate would be some philanthropic body that wishes to guarantee I never publish again. See, I’m willing to go either way to generate all that money – by writing or by not writing! Doesn’t such consideration, such flexibility, warrant an eight-figure offer? Microsoft, are you listening?

At the very least, y’all can put a little more effort into the “Liking” and “Sharing” or whatever it is that Facebook addicts do. If I’m willing to disgrace myself by asking that my friends and family exploit their Facebook “friends” for my personal gain, the least you can do is reward such destructive behavior by complying. It’s only fair.

So here’s a restatement of the implied arrangement: I post, you do the simple task of publicizing this blog beyond Frank Zappa’s wildest dreams. In return for your efforts, I will not post those photos of you with Pee Wee Herman.


Written by Thag

November 24, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , , , ,

4 Responses

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  1. How many subscribers read your work in email and don’t visit your site? I don’t usually come to the site unless I have something pithy to say (or lisp). If it’ll help you make money, I’ll visit here as well – if I remember….
    I did once share one of your posts (something about playing with words the way a cat plays with a mouse) on Facebook, and an ex-niece from my first marriage “LIKED” it.
    Would you like me to start a FB fan page? If so, tell me how to.

    David Shaffer

    November 24, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    • Fan pages are beyond my ken (as is most of what people do with their time on Facebook). But it can’t be THAT hard. I hope.


      November 24, 2010 at 8:19 pm

  2. Do you see how many people read your posts via RSS, like I do? The email (AFAICT) has no “Like” o “Tweet this” button in it – perhaps that can help?

    Disclaimer: I’m almost never on Facebook and my Twitter feed is business-focused, so I’m probably not going to press those buttons myself. But they should be available to make it easy for your audience to express their “like”itude, to coin a term.


    November 24, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    • Only the site itself is equipped with those buttons. Believe me, if I had control over their appearance in emails and RSS, I’d have invoked it long ago.


      November 24, 2010 at 6:50 pm

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