Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

You Just Don’t Have the Guts

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You wouldn’t think I could have no compunction about disemboweling people. I thought so, too, at first. But over time it became clear that more and more people simply deserved it, and there was no one else who would step up and do the job. So I suppressed my reservations and began meting out justice.

As with all long-term endeavors, you’ve got to start small. So I restricted my activities to people who mistreated the wait staff at low-end restaurants. If I saw someone bad-mouth a minimum-wage diner employee for an imagined offense not of her doing, I’d wait till the patron was done, follow him out (it was usually a him), club him unconscious, then drag him behind some building and disembowel him. Just to show I meant nothing personal, I’d stuff his entrails back in as best I could, and leave so as to cause the guy no further trouble.

After a few weeks of that, I felt it was time to move on. So I began disemboweling people who waited to get their wallets out at the supermarket checkout until the total was tallied. If these women (they were all women in this case, the ones who waited to dig through their handbags for their wallets until they knew exactly how much to pay) valued themselves or others, they would have their wallets out and ready before then, but since they clearly did not, they were asking to be disemboweled. So I obliged. Many of them were older, so it was easier than the wait staff abuser disemboweling.

You might think that by that time I’d be tired of the whole thing, but I found it energizing. The newspapers started talking about how the people were found, which meant that I was raising awareness of the things these jerks had done, and maybe deterring future offenses. If I could do it with seemingly minor things, I reasoned, why not raise my sights and broaden my impact? My gut told me to go for it.

So in recent weeks I’ve been focusing on higher-profile offenders, jerks whose insensitivity to the rest of humanity affects far more people than just those behind them at the checkout: dolts who leave the water running as they brush their teeth; nitwits who wash their cars with the hose, wasting countless gallons of precious water; jackasses who neglect to clean up after their dogs (I leave their entrails with the pile of waste).

How could I do such a thing, you ask? Well, it depends. Usually a good pair of Cutco poultry shears does the job nicely, but for sometimes I have to use some rope as well, just to make sure the offender doesn’t wiggle too much and make me cut the wrong organs. I almost removed one guy’s pancreas by accident, and that would have been going too far.

I think I’m making progress, really raising awareness of the rudeness issue. Too bad more people aren’t as sensitive as I am to the suffering of others.


Written by Thag

November 18, 2010 at 2:25 pm

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