Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Coulda Food Me

with 4 comments

It has come to our attention that too many people haven’t the slightest idea what goes on the kitchen – and no, we do not mean the free nocturnal rein that roaches have established there.

An offense far graver than inattention to vermin has become all too prevalent. Fast food, frozen dinners and ready-to-eat grub have not only transformed our society into a bunch of morbidly obese losers so unfit they can do nothing but sit around and read inane blogs; they have made true culinary knowledge a rare thing – rare enough that most of you didn’t even think of the culinary connotation of “rare” when you read it above.

The time has come, then, for you to diagnose just how pathetic your cuisine ken has become. Knowledge is power. That doesn’t mean you can plug your iPod into your nostrils and expect it to charge, but if you really thought that, perhaps your kitchen ignorance is not the most important gap in your knowledge right now.

We have therefore devised the following diagnostic test to determine just how desperately you need to bone up on your food prep. Scoring information will appear at the end.

1. Potatoes taste best when they have been:
(a) baked
(b) fried
(c) deep fried
(d) immersed in a vat of lard and detonated.

2. A sauté pan is:
(a) a skillet used for frying foods quickly
(b) a decent substitute for an omelet pan, if you must
(c) one of those things only the hoity-toity care about
(d) about big enough to hold half the Coke I drink per meal

3. A cake batter with leavening should be:
(a) put in a preheated oven as soon as the batter is mixed
(b) mixed well to ensure proper, consistent rising
(c) chocolate
(d) poured directly down the throat

4. When measuring dry ingredients:
(a) level the measure with a smooth, flat object
(b) make sure the measure is dry before use
(c) make sure to use heaping measures of the yummier ingredients such as sugar
(d) remember that only the powdery stuff will stick well to the clothes of the person at whom you flick them

5. Dry red wine:
(a) goes well with red meat
(b) should be served at room temperature
(c) will simply not do if you’re having the guys over to watch the game
(d) makes a nice tangy addition to the Velveeta

6. Black pepper should be:
(a) freshly ground
(b) used sparingly
(c) kept apart from the ground poppy seeds, to avoid confusion
(d) forcibly inhaled as the soup is served for maximum comic effect

7. The most appropriate accompaniment to serve with fish is:
(a) baked potato
(b) wild rice
(c) French fries
(d) Chunky peanut butter

8.  Bread should be:
(a) crusty on the outside and fluffy on the inside
(b) served the day it is baked
(c) sturdy enough to handle spreading butter on it
(d) used as a hot dog bun only if Twinkies are unavailable

9. “Less is more” applies to the use of:
(a) baking soda as leavening
(b) alcohol in chocolate truffles or mousse
(c) oil for stir-frying
(d) women’s swimwear

10. The preparation of good cheesecake requires:
(a) a good Springform pan
(b) creating a good contrast of textures between the crust and cake
(c) a good balance of creaminess and fluffiness
(d) too much time – I’ve eaten four of them while you’ve been puttering around in there

Scoring: for each answer a, b or c, give yourself five points. For each answer d, deduct fifty. If you wind up with a positive score, there is hope for you yet.


Written by Thag

November 15, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , , , ,

4 Responses

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  1. “I concede that free rein must exist before it can be given,” murmured Samsa, “but how does one establish it?”

    a) by omitting a G.
    b) by substituting an E for an A.
    c) by alluding to a kidney.
    d) by removing the FLAG.

    David Shaffer

    November 15, 2010 at 5:15 pm

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