Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

You Can’t Be Too Careful

with 4 comments


Read all instructions carefully before discarding. Use only as directed. Keep away from children. Keep the appliance away from children, as well. Do not submerge in banana-scented acid. Do not insert body parts smaller than a life-size map of Moravia.

If appliance begins to emit giggling sounds, discontinue use until giggling subsides, or pigs sprout wings, whichever comes first. Do not attempt to use this appliance while riding a unicycle on a tightrope while singing the folk songs of Yakutsk. Do not tease anyone over the age of ninety-eight (98) using this appliance.

In case of fire, take stairs, not elevator, unless you do not have stairs, in which case just walk out the front door. Do not attempt to carry the appliance with you as you exit; serious injury to pride may occur. If color of appliance begins to fade, don dark sunglasses and pray to Hava Nareesha, ruler of noisemaking. Do not sit on appliance if you have eaten chili within 24 hours.

Do not attach appliance to outgoing e-mail. Do not tag appliance in Facebook photos. Do not attempt to depict appliance in works of art. Do not use appliance as a swatter to kill mosquitoes unless directed by a physician. Always wear safety goggles. When using the appliance, wear an additional set of safety goggles.

Do not confuse the appliance with a bowl of spaghetti. Do not attempt to show your college transcript to appliance. Do not request letters of recommendation from appliance. Do not use appliance as employment reference.

Do not write snide remarks about appliance in text messages. Do not speak any of the following languages in the appliance’s presence: Vodic, Finnish, Polish, Lithuanian, Swedish, or Yorkshire-accented English. Do not eat powdered doughnuts for at least a week after being in the same room as appliance.

Warranty is void in Alaska after the first of each month. Appliance must be returned in its original packaging, shrink-wrap and all, if you expect your refund application to be processed. Please allow eight to twelve years for processing.

Void where prohibited. Then get in trouble for indecent exposure and littering.


Written by Thag

November 10, 2010 at 8:05 am

4 Responses

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  1. Two comments.

    Number one: Is it OK to double the folk songs of Yakutusk?

    Number two: The bottom line

    David Shaffer

    November 10, 2010 at 9:40 am

    • On your to-do list: look up “void” as a verb.


      November 10, 2010 at 1:53 pm

      • On your do do list: look up “Number two” and “the bottom.”

        David Shaffer

        November 10, 2010 at 3:11 pm

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