Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Backside to the Future

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Aries: Beyond merely thinking about the future, make some concrete plans. Take the garbage out for tomorrow’s collection now.

Taurus: Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but that’s nothing a shot of Novocain and a pair of tweezers can’t fix.

Gemini: Intestinal worms lay their eggs outside the body, usually at night. You may stop rooting around inside to find them.

Cancer: People do not spontaneously combust, so you are safe. At least until next Thursday.

Leo: The stars would tell you what fatal accident awaits you this week, but then they’d have to kill you.

Virgo: Despite Herculean efforts on your part, the United States will not bestow upon you Most Favored Nation trade status.

Libra: When you step outside this week, you’ll feel a tremendous weight lifted from your shoulders. You do, after all, live next door to a guillotine salesman.

Scorpio: You’ve never been one to give up easily, which is why you’ll spend three hours trying to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.

Sagittarius: Just because other drivers can’t anticipate your moves doesn’t mean you must tip your hand. Surprise is kind of the point in a bumper car.

Capricorn: Your attempt to end it all will result in frustration when you discover that the batteries on your super super supercollider were not included.

Aquarius: While a moment of silence is a touching gesture, it is hardly appropriate when the priest has just asked you if you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife.

Pisces: The moon rising in your sign means that the lunar body appears to be ascending in the spot where the constellation called “Pisces” would normally be visible.


Written by Thag

November 10, 2010 at 7:59 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , , ,

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