Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Do I Really Have to Explain This?

with 3 comments

Let’s get this straight: I am NOT Hannah Montana.

I am not Betty Friedan. I am not Gloria Steinem. I am not the late George Steinbrenner. Nor, God help us, am I Geraldo Rivera. Is that clear?

I do apologize for the abruptness of the above, but you people really must have way too much spare time if you spend it ineptly trying to figure out the identity of a blogger whose obscurity makes the Wilkes-Barre Red Barons look positively world-renown. But for the sake of everyone’s sanity, let us establish the following points, easily proved from the context of the other one hundred sixteen posts:

1. I am male, age thirty-five. The prose, the persona, the mode of expression and myriad other pieces of evidence demonstrate that I am male. So all those imbeciles thinking I am really Michelle Obama pretending to be some guy halfway across the world can go jump in Lake Michigan.

2. I write with some frequency about my family and neighbors, all people bearing not the slightest resemblance to Chuck Norris.

3. People have in fact told me that I look like Pierce Brosnan, Bob Saget, Stephen Colbert and the late Tyrone Power, but I am none of those, especially not the last. Really, now: would Tyrone Power be blogging from the afterlife about the trivialities of life on the Mediterranean basin in the early twenty-first century? If you answered yes, stop reading right now and go soak your head in brine.

4. Although I do like baseball, my involvement with the professional level of the sport has consisted of buying oodles of baseball cards back in 1986. No, I am not Don Mattingly or Tony Gwynn. I did briefly consider being Stan Musial, but his family would have none of it.

5. I would never, ever voluntarily snack on radishes.

6. No one has ever threatened me with a four-foot zucchini. Sorry, you’ve got the wrong guy.

7. I have published an article or two in my life, but not a book contending that Franklin Delano Roosevelt was actually a squid.

8. The acting in Knight Rider was atrocious. Not that this has anything to do with misperceptions about me; I just wanted to make sure we all knew it.

9. There is no number nine.

I hope that clears everything up. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must return the call of my mother, George Soros.

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Written by Thag

October 25, 2010 at 9:18 pm

3 Responses

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  1. are you a cheez doodle? if not, i have 19 more questions.

    dan

    October 26, 2010 at 2:49 am

  2. I had a dream about being attacked by a four-foot zucchini once…and I woke up sitting on the bed post.

    Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket

    October 26, 2010 at 3:07 am

    • This is a family-oriented blog. Shame on you.

      You have bedposts? Did you call an exterminator?

      Thag

      October 26, 2010 at 6:48 am


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