Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

None of Your Business

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There comes a time, my friends, when mere disregard for customer satisfaction is simply not enough. That time is now.

The challenge facing us has grown beyond basic alienation; the task at hand has become maltreatment so thorough as to take our potential customers to the very edge of bloodshed, and perhaps across it. Despite our valiant efforts over the last few months, people continue to visit this establishment, intending to purchase some of our wares and services – wares, I need not remind you, that we worked very hard to arrange on the shelves in as unattractive and inconvenient a manner as possible. Shelby and DuPont deserve special recognition for the creative use of obscene insults on the signs that people expect to use as guides to the contents of each aisle.

But we must do more, and I know we are capable of more – more sneering at people wasting our valuable time; more hiding inventory from its seekers; more feigned distraction and incompetence at the checkout counter; more spills and messes in front of the shelves.

So although we have made great strides in customer dissatisfaction, the time has come to get specific, to quantify our goals. So I present to you some hard numbers. Over the last few weeks we have kept track of a number of dissatisfaction metrics, with an eye toward just this sort of project. We now have the diagnostic tools to determine where our abusive practices are flourishing, and where they can stand some improvement.

I shall provide an example of each: We pride ourselves on the outdated posters in the window announcing special deals from the manufacturers – these posters sit exposed to the sun so long that they fade, and passersby must squint from up close to make out the contents. That level of accomplishment needs no explanation. We can do better, however: misspell words, leave out crucial price information, and gratuitously spill all manner of mysterious but disgusting substances on the paper.

So on to the numbers. I have divided our goals into three categories: overt maltreatment, strategic/tactical physical repulsion, and general inducement to vomit. Employees will receive a considerable bonus if they can accumulate more than ten instances per week, on average, of individual acts that fall into at least two of those categories. To illustrate, just yesterday I arrived to find a small crowd of people gathered outside the entrance after we opened. I loudly questioned their intelligence, parentage, fashion sense and dietary habits, all within less than a minute, and they departed, to a man. One even slipped in a grease puddle I had placed there before leaving the day before. This kind of initiative is exactly what I want each and every one of you to show.

We want to achieve at least four cases per day of customers storming out in a huff; fifteen people despairing of receiving service and just departing, with special emphasis on this event at the checkout counter; three messes or spills that end up on customer clothing; five requests to turn down the music – and thank you, by the way, to Ivanov, for putting together a repetitive DVD collection of Barry Manilow, AC/DC, John Cage and random selections from the very worst of Indonesian gamelan; and instigating at least two brawls between customers.

With your skilled help, my friends, we can do it. And we can do it with flair. To conclude, I wish to direct your attention to the sidewalk. Please, instead of applauding our achievements, let us build on them immediately. On the count of three, please rush outside and turn the fire hose on the people trying to comprehend the posters. One, two…


Written by Thag

October 13, 2010 at 3:41 pm

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