Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

If I Had an Editor Like Him…

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Gabriel, Gabriel. We’ve been through this so many times already. Why do I have to keep explaining it?

I know you’re the one I sent to gather the information on My people, but please, hear me out just one more time, and I’m sure you’ll understand why My version of the commandments is more appropriate than yours. Let’s take them one by one.

1. “I am Theo, your God, who brought you out of Egypt, from Madame Chrissy’s House of Bondage.” I must say, while I like the way you think, and I fully appreciate the need to lower Myself and make Myself accessible to a people steeped in suffering and iniquity for generations, this is hardly the tone to strike right at the outset. Remember, this event we’ve got planned is supposed to blow the Israelites away with its awe-inspiring power and everlasting impact. It’s got to stay with them, really impress them. It certainly shouldn’t distract them from the main point. Now, I have been known to get distracted Myself from time to time, and amuse Myself with meteor impacts every few hundred million years, but really; that’s not what they’re here for. Unless they piss Me off again. Is that clear?

2. “I AM the boss of you, and the only one – don’t go pimping yourself out to other gods: no sculptures, idols, images – graven or otherwise – galactic whatchamacallits, subterranean doohickeys, or submarine-subterranean thingies; no bowing, serving or otherwise worshiping them, for I have jealousy issues, and I might take it out on you and your family – whereas I show mighty favoritism to My biggest fans.” Please, Gabriel, not every utterance has to carry some reference to sex; Freud won’t be around for a long time yet, and he’ll be mostly wrong anyway. And those Christians I told you about, down the line? They’ll do a fine job making sex appear both evil and all-pervasive without your help. Of course it’s all-pervasive; that’s the whole “Be fruitful and multiply” thing I said no less than three times in Genesis alone. Don’t get me started here, Gabriel. Just tone down the innuendo. And make things a bit more formal, not to mention precise with the language. I realize I made the thesaurus extinct after the last meteor impact, but use your vocabulary. Use effective words.

3. “Do not misuse My handle, yo, or I will get all crazy-like on your ass.” Please stop focusing so much on the vernacular. This encounter is about striving for improvement, for elevation. Asses are about the farthest thing from elevation, even once this Chosen People deal is completed. If you really want opportunities to use the word “ass,” remind me in about thirty-nine years to tell you the one about Balaam.

4. “That Sabbath thang. Keep it, cuz it be important to God. He worked hard. You work hard too, so you get to rest.” Speaking of thirty-nine, have I got some surprises waiting, but that’ll have to wait a few dozen generations – you ought to see what the Rabbis of the Talmud have in store. But that’s more or less my point – we’re not dealing with intellectual lightweights here, Gabriel. Give it to ’em straight, with all the necessary data: I created the world, you must emulate me by ceasing your creative activity on the seventh day, make sure your servants rest, blah blah; you know the details. Rewrite.

5. “Let Daddy watch the game in peace.” You’ve gotten ahead of yourself, Gabriel. Spectator sports are still crude at this stage in history, and you can forget about television for at least three thousand years – no, not even in the celestial lounge, Gabriel; it’s just a waste. Really, Gabriel, this envy you have of the later human generations is quite unbecoming – must I apply the tenth utterance to you, as well? Have I made Myself clear? Please stress the principle of honoring one’s parents, not a specific application of it for which you and your buddies have an affinity. Yes, I’ve seen you in the break room, playing foosball. I must admit your idea to use the Greek and Hindu gods as the pole-mounted figures was quite creative. But beside the point.

6. “Do not murder unless:
– some guy cut you off in traffic;
– someone looked at ‘your’ girl;
– someone dissed you in some way, however imagined;
– your will has been thwarted and someone‘s gonna pay.”

Gabriel, while you certainly have a grasp of what drives people to kill, what we’re aiming for here is not so much to give in to  base human drives as to channel them into constructive divine avenues. Murder is just out, period. Which doesn’t mean no one is allowed to feel like murdering. Which brings us to:

7. “Keep your cotton-pickin’ hands off someone else’s ho.” Not just “hos” Gabriel: all sexual immorality. Not sex itself, mind you – see above, number two – because people can accomplish great things through sex, and I don’t mean make people such as Larry Flynt very, very rich. No, you non-corporeal angels can’t really fathom that drive, can you? It takes a human. Or an omniscient, omnisensitive Being. Boy, We have it tough. In any case, keep it brief and all-encompassing. Too much detail leaves too much looking for loopholes, and if ever there was an area of My law in which people will want to find loopholes, you can bet your angelic, uh, ears that this is it.

8. “Keep your cotton-pickin’ hands off someone else’s property.” You’ve hit pretty close to the mark on this one, but it has to be tightened up. You might also want to work in the contextual denotation of kidnapping here. Trust Me.

9. “No person shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, yada yada yada.” You got lazy toward the end here, Gabriel; shame on you. I’ll grant that the US constitution owes a thing or two to this oeuvre we’re putting together, but this particular bit of jurisprudence is not what I hand in mind here. No perjury. Hope that’s not too  difficult for you.

10. “Do not covet anyone’s servants, women, stereo system, wheels, digs, machines, social position, baseball cards, comic books, DVD collection, musical instruments, access to information, hair, teeth, taste in clothes, ability to talk to the opposite sex, charisma, athleticism, salary, footwear, cellular phone plan, health coverage, retirement fund, landscaping, education or anything else not specifically excluded under the provisions of this agreement.” Good Me, Gabriel. You certainly tried to be thorough, I can see that. Just cut it down and remember we’re talking to Bronze Age desert nomads here.

That should do it for today, Gabriel. Have the new draft on My desk tomorrow, and we’ll try to finalize it in the next few days. Now if you’ll excuse Me, the Israelites are getting thirsty and restless, and the Amalekites are gnashing their teeth. This ought to be interesting.


Written by Thag

October 3, 2010 at 8:17 pm

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