Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

They Printed this Menu in the Wrong Order

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I think we have everything bass ackwards.

This evening, as I sat down with my wife to a dinner of cold pasta and grated cheese, I came to the realization that dessert always should come first. Sometimes it should replace the other food entirely. This is especially true when dessert includes, as it did tonight, Pepperidge Farm Double Chunk cookies.

You might attribute this epiphany to the stark contrast between the two elements of the meal. You might also observe that we could have warmed up the “main course” before partaking, a step that would markedly improve the culinary experience. While based on empirical facts, these explanations fail to account for another factor: sometimes we do make a meal out of Pepperidge Farm Double Chunk cookies. We take pains to split the eight-cookie package evenly between us.

You might now wonder why we would so restrict our diets. Wouldn’t it get dull after a while? Well, first of all, no, and second of all, we don’t do that all the time. Sometimes we have Pepperidge Farm Double Chocolate Milanos (in which case dividing it evenly poses a challenge, since the package contains an odd number of cookies. Somehow my most excellent help-mate manages to halve the last one quite nicely). It really depends what the store down the street has in stock. At the moment – and this is a decidedly temporary situation, as I’m sure you will agree – we have a stock of chocolate chunk cookies in our cabinet because last week we found them unexpectedly at a supermarket, for a price lower than we’ve seen in years.

If I’ve had time to putter around in the kitchen, and the weekend guests did not engage in the gluttony we have come to expect of ourselves (and how could they, if we deliberately serve only a fraction of the whole batch?), then homemade fudge occasionally fills in (ha!) for cookies.

Then we have the occasions when, following the discovery of a sale on Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie, we buy several pints. The ice cream serves as dinner, or as a post-kids’-bedtime supplement to a disappointing dinner. Alternatively, when the storage or shipping conditions of the ice cream have let it melt slightly and refreeze, leaving ice crystals that offend our senses and sensibilities, the whole thing (sans carton) gets chucked into the blender with some milk, and we have a heftier, two-person version of Slim-Fast™. Except that Slim-Fast™ uses the phrase “sensible dinner” in its advertising somewhere, as I recall. And the quantity we end up with might be considered by lesser appetites more than two servings. But really, since the two of us share a pint when eating the stuff straight, why should another cup of milk make a difference?

Naturally, we insist that the kids eat “properly” and only serve dessert on special occasions. These are the privileges of the parental set, or at least of the you’ll-eat-what-we-tell-you-to set. At least until they start doing the cooking and cleaning, in exchange for which I’d be perfectly willing to let them decide what to make for dinner.

As long as the catch of the day isn’t bass ackwards.


Written by Thag

September 12, 2010 at 9:36 pm

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