Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Our Stance on the Issues: Wide

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The past few months have seen mounting supposititious demands that this blog proffer its positions on a host of hot-button political issues. However, since those issues number in the dozens, if not hundreds, we cannot but offer a few lines on a select number.

The conciseness stems not only from considerations of space: a screed or two has been known to bounce from inbox to inbox, in the process taking on new additions and misattributions. Just look at snopes.com (we mean later). We do not wish to contribute to the phenomenon; nor do we wish to attract unwanted attention from partisans of one side or another, unless they happen to be willing to pay lots of money for our time, which, quite frankly, stands about as much chance of being the case as we do of winning the Tour de France. The 2003 Tour de France.

In no particular order, then, we present our positions on the issues:

Abortion: Abortions may be performed only by qualified medical personnel, with the consent of the pregnant woman. You know, the one carrying the fetus slated for abortion. Requiring the consent of some other pregnant woman instead would be stupid.

Embryonic Stem Cell Research: Life begins when, exactly? The answer to that question determines one’s position on this issue. Life begins, according to our findings, in 1961 at a Quaker Oats facility (cinnamon and maple & brown sugar flavors were introduced later). What this has to do with Embryonic stem cell research, we have no clue, but we do like Life. Life should be less expensive, and maybe come with more to a package.

Gun Ownership: Guns don’t kill people; ammunition does, in addition to bayonets, which are generally attached to guns, except for the occasional bludgeoning death, which we guess can be attributed to the gun itself, except that none of that could happen unless something were moving or operating the thing, in which case the whole slogan loses its meaning. We’ll get back to you on this one, as will countless candidates for political office, repeatedly over the next gazillion years. We do understand that the constitution specifically enshrines the people’s right to bare arms, which we think strikes a firm blow for standards of modesty in dress. We do have to consider, though, that the original constitution did not mandate citizenship for women, which means they might not have enjoyed that right. That’s actually fine with us, because we know from experience that we can’t get our work done if we behold a bare-armed woman. Yowza.

Software Piracy: Arrrr.

The National Debt: There should be no “b” in the word “debt”.

Climate Change: We should fart less.

The Middle East: Is it “Near” East or “Middle” East? There should be a consistent way of referring to the area. It’s too confusing as it is. The same goes for the Midwest, which isn’t geographically the middle of anything, or particularly western. For that matter, why is Northwestern University in Ohio?

That’ll be it for now. Future posts might also detail our positions on other pressing issues (does that mean ironing trouble?), or they might just indulge in pontificating on nothing in particular. You’ll be hard-pressed to tell the difference.

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Written by Thag

August 5, 2010 at 9:49 am

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