Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Wrestling with Reality

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We shall now address the hordes of MTTP readers considering a career in professional wrestling.

(Let’s just pause for a moment and consider that line. Rife with implications, it all but cries out for analysis, or at least a stiff drink. You go ahead; we’ll be right here when you get back.)

(While those idiots are gone, feel free to make fun of them. Thank you.)

(Oh, good! Welcome back! Ooh – better sit down carefully, now. You wouldn’t want to spill that raspberry-artichoke daiquiri all over your keyboard.)

Yes: a career in professional wrestling. I need not tell you that such a direction necessitates equipping yourself with any number of skills and tools: drive to succeed; grace under pressure; surliness and chest-thumping; complete lack of nuance of expression. But most of all, you need a stage name. Your current name, as beautiful and inspired as it is, fails to conjure up the necessary flouting of authority, and certainly does not call to mind the terrible violence and humiliation to which you intend to subject your opponents.

You have given this some thought, that much is clear. However, your selections, albeit preliminary, indicate a lack of clarity regarding the effect you wish to achieve.

Let’s start with your first choice, The Human Frisbee. It certainly has absurdity going for it, but you must combine that with ferocity or cruelty. Indeed, The Human Frisbee all but invites your opponent to hurl you over the ropes and into the cheering crowd, which will look on, hoping to see you spin as you fly through the air.

You should also reconsider The Human Pancake. The reasons should be obvious by now.

Let’s move on then, to Dead Man Walking. You did manage to capture something of horror, but the effect is quite the opposite of what you should seek, at least if your goal is to intimidate. The same can be said for your last suggestion, God’s Sloth. That one conveys mystery, but the mystery lies mostly in why you would choose such a name.

You have a number of other suggested names here, but I think you will see we can dismiss most of them out of hand: The Flower Petal. Dirty Diaper. The Walking Wedgie. That last one does have the capacity to horrify, and you could take that in some interesting, pander-to-the-lowest-common-denominator Jerry Springer directions, but really: you’re just inviting humiliation upon yourself.

So please, go back and come up with some fiercer suggestions. You might wish to work in the concept of “killer,” but do please avoid Killer Diarrhea. And we mean the name, as well.

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Written by Thag

May 30, 2010 at 7:00 pm

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