Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Repast Its Prime

with 2 comments

OK, new rule: if it takes me more time to wash the dishes you’ve used than it does for you to eat the food, you haven’t had enough.

I respect your efforts to maintain or reduce your weight; to control your intake of whatever ingredients the dietary zeitgeist deems verboten; and to subscribe to the unproven prevailing wisdom that fat = bad. But I take it as a personal affront that you will not consent to take more than an obscenely thin slice of my cheesecake – cake that you now concede, or already knew, ranks far higher than any other.

Not that thin slices in and of themselves pose such a problem. Indeed, some desserts will do only in that form. Cheesecake, however, does not answer to that description. Cheesecake, properly made, must weigh on the fork as would weapons-grade uranium, only more precious and dangerous.

(The local sensibilities regarding cheesecake result in a pathetic, airy concoction that produces violent retching in anyone with New York cheesecake expectations. Follow this simple formula, you pathetic excuses for pastry chefs: sponge cake ≠ cheesecake. You do not want fluffy; you want dense, rich and creamy. Now go reread that formula until you feel capable of using something other than low-fat, runny swill. Cream cheese, dear people, not hoity-toity substitutions or cheap imitations.

This pontification carries the risk of exuding more arrogance than usual, which constitutes quite a feat. However, those of you who have sampled my cheesecake will understand how the situation at hand justifies the superciliousness.

This does not mean to imply that someone who cannot afford to pack a cheesecake with upwards of two pounds of cream cheese must close up shop; far from it – you work with what you have. I address my vitriol to the so-called bakers in these parts whose establishments otherwise serve passable, even downright fabulous, baked goods, including some of the most delicious cheese danish this side of the Lower East Side. It mystifies me that when it comes to this one type of dairy dessert (breakfast, lunch, dinner at midnight snack, ideally, but let’s stick with the pretense), someone stuck the accursed idea in their heads that the goal is light and fluffy).

But back to your plate. When you enter my dining room, you play by entirely different rules. Here, crispy, greasy potato slivers baked in chicken fat rule, and our philosophy is reflected in a a line from an undeservedly obscure Shoe strip: vegetables ain’t food; vegetables are what food eats. Take your sprouted wheat this and your tofu that and leave them at the doorstep – preferably your own. If dinner did not result in overeating-induced discomfort, dinner failed.

So please, help make the meal a success. Come here and get stuffed.


Written by Thag

May 23, 2010 at 8:01 pm

2 Responses

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  1. I enjoyed the post almost as much as the cheesecake.

    • We do still have some fudge left, in case you’re interested. But not for long…


      May 23, 2010 at 8:28 pm

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