Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

We Hold These Truths to Be Self Evident, but Some People Need Reminding

with 2 comments

This installment of Maintaining Your Spouse touches on hygiene and cleanliness, but not really.

Ladies, I wish to address you first, but not because I believe you require more urgent attention in the hygiene department. To the contrary, you have shown time and time again that the extra bit of genetic material in the second X chromosome carries with it overwhelmingly positive traits that manifest themselves in cleanliness, patience and a willingness to see past superficial characteristics.

That last item explains the first: without a keen sense of the beauty under the dust and dirt, why bother removing the protective film?

So when it comes to household cleanliness, the female portion of our species has it going. However, I do wish to point out a number of points that require some attention if we seek to see this whole enterprise through.

– Please leave absolutely no trace of feminine hygienic products in plain sight. Men may grunt through the pain, never scream on a roller coaster, specifically attend the goriest, scariest slasher flicks and  (claim they) never cry, but some things lie beyond the masculine capacity to handle. If male exposure to such products occurs, refrain at all costs from referring to his reaction with terms such as “sissy,” “girly-man” and a certain reference to cats.

That’s it for women, really. As for anything else that irritates the other half, well, suck it up, guys.

And now to the meat of the issue: tips for men.

This subject covers a broad range of sensitive points, most of which revolve around the paradox of masculine security. We shall attempt to establish basic behavioral rules, adherence to which at once demonstrates the masculine virtues of discipline, courage and vigor. Also, keep in mind that they might help you get some. If your primary attitude toward your domestic relationship focuses on same, more power to you, but never, ever let on that your behavior in any way stems from motives other than romantic altruism.


– Pet names shall never rear their heads if anyone else over the age of 11 months is within earshot. Men, you’ll notice that women enjoy more latitude in this respect – they can and do use such terms as sweetie, honey, etc. without so much as a trace of irony, but that freedom does not extend to you. Permitted exception: bitterly ironic use of patently facetious terms of endearment, employed in the context of explosive domestic disputes on full display for a houseful of guests, preferably in the presence of a teenage daughter or two. You can determine the skillfulness with which these appellations are used by the various shades of crimson those daughters’ faces turn as a result; bonus points for causing them to flee the room with their hands over their faces. Similarly, cloyingly sweet use of pet names can be used to induce squirming in the targets of your choice, but be aware that many people are not equipped with the requisite ick detector that sets off the squirming. Oddly, most of these people are women.

– Wipe all traces of previous romantic partners from your memory. I say this specifically to men because in the popular perception, women, even if they do get drunk, do not tend to phone former lovers and try to reestablish a bond. This measure extends even to the casual mention of said former partners. Really, all you did in college was study and hang with the guys and watch sports. That’s your story and you’re sticking with it if you know what’s good for you.

– Hygiene, gentlemen. At minimum, hygiene in a household shared with a woman requires immediate remedy of inaccurate fire in the bathroom, plus of course showers at reasonably short intervals. Note: your interpretation of “reasonably” may differ from hers, as may your interpretation of “short,” but we shall not open THAT particular can of worms right now, if you catch our drift.

Further instructions to follow at some point. Me, I gotta go get my hair out of the sink. The things I do for her…


Written by Thag

May 5, 2010 at 7:32 pm

2 Responses

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  1. If I remember correctly, sometimes old girlfriends DO get drunk and call you – but never the ones you want.

    Q: What has this to do with hygiene?
    A: Before South Park was South Pacific: I’m gonna wash that man right outa my hair, etc.

    David Shaffer

    May 5, 2010 at 7:58 pm

  2. Well, that’s why the intro says it’s not REALLY about hygiene.


    May 6, 2010 at 4:41 am

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