Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

See that It Doesn’t Happen Again

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Thank you for gathering here this morning, gentlemen. You don’t mind that I call you a gentleman, do you, Simms? It’s just much more efficient that way. Thank you.

I’ve summoned you all here because we have an important task to fill, one that we really should have addressed some time ago. It seems there’s no milk milk left in the break room refrigerator.

Recall, gentlemen, that our policy clearly assigns a rotation to procure backup cartons of milk. If you consult the binders placed before you in the table, you will note that page 341, line 21 indicates as much. You all submitted signed statements to the effect that you have read, understood and will fully comply with the contents of the binder.

Bear with me, Norton. No one accuses you of malfeasance; we did not assemble to trade barbs. You may do that after the meeting, amongst yourselves, if you wish. Please refrain from taking this personally.

In keeping with our policy, Harper here diligently collated the names of the staff and assigned specific weeks to specific individuals for the two-year period ending July 6, 2011. Staff members on the list had ample time – was it two months from the date of issue, Harper? I knew that time frame stuck in my head for a reason – to apply for changes or updates.

But in recent weeks chaos has reigned on the milk procurement front. The chart in the break room clearly delineates the identity and responsibilities of each acting milk procurement agent, including the number of cartons of which varieties, the proper placement of purchased cartons in the refrigerator, and the procedure for submitting receipts to Weber – no need to raise your hand, Weber, we all know who you are – for reimbursement, which you will receive as part of your paycheck in the month subsequent to the rotation. But somehow, gentlemen – and here I specifically exclude you from any implication of complicity, Norton; your behavior through this entire period remains nothing short of exemplary – neglect of these responsibilities has grown to the point that this past Monday morning, at 10:09, DiGiacinto discovered the complete lack of milk in the break room refrigerator. I shall not name names in this forum, but such forbearance has little relevance when all of us have seen and noted the names specified in the relevant portions of the rotation chart. I remind you all that at the time, DiGiacinto clutched a hot cup of Java in his hand, and the lack of milk forced him to consume the beverage black. Is that how we wish to treat our associates?

Now, I can understand the desire to mistreat certain members of this staff – goodness knows I’ve done it often enough – but I shall be forced to resort to extreme measures if adherence to the milk procurement procedures falters again. If I must restrict the beverage selection to soft drinks and spring water, I shall – your protests fall on deaf ears, I’m afraid. Collective punishment indeed – collective enforcement is what’s necessary here.

I believe that will suffice. O’hara, have the minutes of this meeting on my desk in half an hour.

Good day, gentlemen.

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Written by Thag

May 5, 2010 at 1:38 pm

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