Posts Tagged ‘reading’
The Worst-Sellers in Children’s Books
It’s time to revisit a theme I have long neglected: Bad ideas in the genre of Children’s book titles.
One More Hand Grenade for Baby
Words that Rhyme with Angina
Billy Bob’s Big Book of Beggars’ Boils
Let’s Make Fun: Retards
Let’s Make Fun II: Gimps
Let’s Make Fun III: Old People
Let’s Make Fun IV: Rednecks
How Loud Can You Yell in Mommy’s Ear?
The iPhone, the Toilet and You
Bathtub Toast
That’s Not a Tea Bag
The Pleasures of Paranoia
Sweet Schizophrenia
You Can Be Obese, Too!
Where Daddy Keeps the Gin
Prescription Candy
101 Places to Wipe Your Boogers
Who’s Going to Hell Unless You Browbeat Them into Accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior?
Enough for now. Additional suggestions welcome. Keep it PG-13, please.
Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook.
I’ll Do My Procrastination Homework Later. I Mean Now. No, Later! Arrgh!
Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook.
The Venn Diagram for ‘Anna Karenina’ Committed Suicide
Please also “Like” Mightier than the Pen on Facebook.
Posthaste: adv; How I Got this Blog Update Done
|
Term |
Definition |
| Toilet Paper | Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, daily edition |
| Surprise Party | Dark horse electoral victors, viz: Democrats |
| Balzac | Scrotum |
| Underwriter | The guy whose job it is to put in all the footnotes |
| Anger Management | My boss’s leadership method |
| Pass Interference | Colon obstruction |
| Corporal Punishment | …and his fellow soldiers Private Parts, Major Payne, Colonel of Truth, General Malaise… |
| Phone Company | Party line |
| Fishing Pole | Stanislaw Kaczynski in his funny hat and box of tackle |
| Triple Play | Shakespeare’s Henry IV-VI |
| Key Largo | Musical direction by complete ignoramus |
| Statutory Rape | http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=by5i2NI6lvI |
| Quarter Horse | Centaur genealogical boast |
| Hurricane Irene | Your little sister |
| Runaround Sue | Insurance fraud scheme |
| Auto Asphyxiation | The mechanic said the choke is faulty |
| Belgian Waffle | “Ja…uh…nay – nay, ja!…uh…ja?” |
| Wind Farm | Baked bean manufacturing facility |
| Presidential Runoff | Election campaign waste stream |
| Slugfest | Our patio in autumn |
| Star Trek | A trip down Hollywood’s Walk of Fame |
| Star Wars | Supermarket tabloid mainstay |
| Aspic | Constipation treatment |
| Side Dish | Arm candy |
| Spoiler Alert | Every grandparent should carry a warning about this |
| News Briefs | When getting updates to your handheld device is too obvious |
The Media: Just the Plural for Medium – as in Fortune Teller
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Headlines as Appearing in: |
|||
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The New York Times |
The New York Post |
Your High School Newspaper |
The National Enquirer |
|
Cuomo’s First Nine Months in Office a Modest Success |
Guv Giving It All |
Andrew Cuomo Elected Governor of NY (the State) |
Cuomo Family Avoids Staying at Haunted Executive Mansion |
|
Osama Bin Laden Killed in Commando Raid |
We Got Him! |
Who Is Osama Bin Laden? |
Navy SEAL Team Six Kills Two-Headed Elvis Clone at Bin Laden Compound |
|
Obama Presses Israel on Settlements |
Prez to Bibi: Stop It |
Debating Team Debates Israel vs. Palestine |
Obama Proves He’s a Muslim |
|
Yankees Clinch Division; Red Sox Eliminated |
Yanks Top Sux -Again |
Cougars Beat Westville High |
Ghost of Babe Ruth Runs Amok in Fenway Clubhouse |
|
Irene Damage Estimated at $4 Billion |
Hizzoner: Send Irene Bill to Feds |
Mrs. Miller Remembers 1985 Hurricane Gloria |
NASA Steered Hurricane to NYC |
|
Stock Market Drops 8% |
Stocks Tumble, Execs Grumble |
Teachers in Foul Mood Over Something or Other Regarding “Pensions” |
Invisible Hand Seen over NY Stock Exchange Floor |
|
Gunman Kills 10 in Memphis Campus Shooting Spree |
Redneck Rampage: 10 Dead |
Student Suspended for Bringing Fake Gun to School |
Giant Anaconda Devours Children on Way to School |
|
Idaho Ex-Governor Convicted of Embezzlement, Breach of Trust |
Book Thrown at Boise Bookie |
Betting Pool Arises over Anticipated Firing Date of Chemistry Teacher |
Possessed Jury Calls for Capital Punishment in Civil Lawsuits |
|
Pollution Depresses Economy Dependent on River Fish |
PCBs Pound Palookaville |
A Reminder to Wash Hands after Using the Bathroom |
Godzilla’s Return Imminent, Say Government Scientists |
|
US Strips Former Death Camp Guard of Citizenship |
Ex-Nazi Extradition |
Mr. Parker Lectures on Prejudice |
Auschwitz Guard Reincarnated as Lamp Post |
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Steve Jobs, Founder of Apple, Dead at 56 |
Jobs, Well, Done |
A Portrait of an American Entrepreneur by Jamie Howard (9th grade) |
Will of Steve Jobs Found Scrawled in Blood on Skin of Missing IBM Exec |
|
2 Americans Awarded Nobel Prize for Economics |
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! |
Senior Awards Ceremony Canceled |
Economists Predict Third, Fourth and Fifth Great Depressions before 2015 |
|
Heat Trade James Back to Cleveland |
LeBron Comes Crying Home |
Coach’s Arrest Delays Varsity Tryouts |
‘I Learned Basketball from Himmler,’ Says Drunk LeBron |
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NASA Announces Discovery of New Earth-Like Planet |
Life Out There? |
Pluto No Longer a Planet |
Life Out There! |
Actually, You COULD Make This Stuff Up
|
In the B Movie |
In the Trashy Novel |
In Your Life |
| Tuxedoed men and elegantly gowned women holding glasses of wine in a plush room; police detective enters. | Crockett felt out of place in the vast hall of Hathaway Manor. The dazzling crystal chandeliers only emphasized his sense of displacement as every eye in the room turned toward him and then away again, dismissing the sight as yet another irrelevant intrusion. But the criminal was there. He’d made one crucial mistake. | Arrive at work. Find coffee carafe already empty. Exchange insipid banter with receptionist. Curse life-sucking routine. |
| Our hero leaps into a convertible and takes off in pursuit of the villain. | Hot on the Slade’s heels, Pruitt took the steps three at a time, ducking at each landing in anticipation of gunfire. But all he heard on his way down to the parking garage was the continued rush of footfalls three flights ahead. Pruitt kicked open the door to level B3 in time to see Slade’s black BMW disappear up the exit ramp and into the night. | Drop your keys repeatedly on the way through the liquor store parking lot. Accidentally kick them into a storm drain. |
| Obligatory sex scene showing his rippling pectorals and much more of her. | Sasha’s breath quickened as Dale ran his fingers down her neck, tracing the contours of her torso with his lips. | A six-pack of Bud Light and the underwear models page of the 1988 Sears Christmas catalog. |
| Gripping, thrilling music to accompany a violent horseback chase. | Despite her dainty looks, Vanessa’s equestrian skills were second to none. She guided her black mare at a gallop toward the bridge over Grissom Gulch, unaware that Anderson’s henchmen had burned it down the night before, and lay in wait in the surrounding woods. | You stepped in horse manure at the parade again, didn’t you? Eww. Go clean your shoes before you come into the house. |
| Band of pirates converges in the forest on the young boy and girl who have absconded with the lost treasure. | In the moonlight Alan could see the shadows of men massing in the clearing. He checked to see whether Clara still had the bundle strapped around her waist. To attempt escape now meant finding their way past a hundred armed thugs. To sit tight meant certain discovery and capture at daybreak. He stifled a shudder. | The abridged version of Treasure Island quickly scanned before the quiz at school tomorrow. |
| Futuristic technology that enables instantaneous communication across impossibly vast stretches of space. | When the engineer entered the code again, the soft hum of the neutrino antenna array told Koss it was ready to transmit. Easterbrook’s mission to Andromeda, and thus the fate of human civilization, hung in the balance. Koss thought again of Alicia and her ebony tresses. | “Hello? Who is this? I can’t hear you. You’re breaking up. Hello? Hello? Are you still there? Hello?”
“%$#@! cell phone.” |
| Breathtaking scenes of wildlife in pristine habitats. | Marshall’s crew battled fierce winds and icy waves as the Dreadnought plowed farther south in search of the lost elephant seal colony. | “Trevor! Stop knocking on the glass of the snake exhibit or we’ll leave the zoo this instant!” |
| Characters with impossibly convincing disguises | Clark’s knack for languages and culture allowed him to blend in seamlessly anywhere between Morocco and Osaka; and with the help of his connections in Hollywood –a holdover from his previous life as a stuntman – he could get his hands on almost any mask imaginable. On several occasions, in fact, he had impersonated heads of state in three African countries, fooling even the men’s personal bodyguards. | Children’s trick-or-treat costumes are 3 for twenty bucks at Target. |
| Glamorized historical figures | Lincoln took a long drag on his cigar before answering. He regarded the general curiously, as if considering whether to order the filet mignon or the duck l’orange. In fact the President intended to have both the next evening after a trip to Ford’s Theater, with perhaps a sip or two of champagne at the show itself. He knew what Mrs. Lincoln would have on under her gown, and that champagne worked like magic to turn her on. | “You know, George Washington’s false teeth weren’t actually made of wood. You can look it up.” |
| Fascinating alien creatures, alternately terrifying and beautiful. | The desert mongbat of Perseus II feasted almost exclusively on the flesh of errant astronauts, but not before tormenting them with hallucinations of the most exquisite erotic imagery. | “Daddy! The goldfish died again!” |
Your Kid’s Ability to Display No Ability Whatsoever
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My Kid Can: |
And Yet: |
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Get undressed by himself |
Takes all evening to get ready for a shower |
|
Take out all the necessary implements for cereal and milk |
Cannot take the used implements to the sink upon finishing |
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Find exactly the CD he wants from the hundreds in the cabinet |
Remains unable to return a single CD to its proper place |
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Do complex arithmetic in his head |
Show no awareness whatsoever how little time is left until the school bus comes |
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Spot a piece of candy or chocolate from across the house |
Stares helplessly at a basket of clean laundry, unable to locate the item he seeks, right there on the top |
|
Run like the wind to chase after a ball |
Moves more sluggishly than an actual slug on the way to bed |
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Schlep all of his books to school every day despite needing only a few |
Pleads weakness when it comes to putting all his dirty clothes in the hamper |
|
Remember the lyrics to songs heard only twice |
Needs daily reminders not to throw in the house |
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Tell the same knock-knock joke a billion times |
Constantly neglects to say “please” and “thank you” |
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Devote hours to fashioning a homemade birthday card |
Lies helpless in the face of a few minutes’ homework |
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Shovel pizza into his gullet at breakneck speed |
Will not tolerate pasta with tomato sauce and cheese |
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Stacks blocks carefully and intricately |
Knocks over cups full of water at the table |
|
Hates being yelled at |
Communicates primarily by yelling |
|
Claims to value his possessions |
Actively encourages his two-year-old brother to mistreat his possessions |
|
Read way above his grade level |
Thinks Dad’s blog is work |
My Life, Starring that Guy from that Movie
|
Period of Autobiography |
Who I Think Should Play the Title Role
|
Who Should Really Play the Title Role |
| Infancy | An Olson twin | Winston Churchill |
| Toddler | Bam-Bam | Dino |
| Preschooler | Jonathan Lipnicki | Warwick Davis |
| Ages 5-10 | Gary Coleman | Steve Urkel |
| Ages 11-14 | A young Matthew Broderick | A young Koko the gorilla |
| High school | Daniel Radcliffe | Rick Moranis |
| College | Billy Baldwin | Michael Richards |
| Grad school | Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise | William Pitt the Elder in 1778 |
| Newlywed | Harrison Ford as Han Solo | Jabba the Hutt as himself |
| New parent | Tom Selleck in Three Men and a Baby | Carol Burnett in Annie |
| Parent of a growing family | Tom Hanks in Turner & Hooch | Hooch in Turner & Hooch |
| Parent of teenagers | The Brady Bunch parents | The Munsters parents |
| Marrying off children | Kiefer Sutherland | Donald Sutherland |
| Approaching retirement | Alec Baldwin | Adam Sandler |
| Newly Retired | Anthony Hopkins as Zorro | Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter |
| Golden years | Sean Connery | Yogi Berra |
| Old age | Jack Lalanne | Yoda |
| On deathbed | Patrick Stewart | Joe Pesci |
| At funeral | Morgan Freeman | Jon Belushi |
| Ghost who comes back to haunt the living | Alec Guinness | Chris Farley |
