Thag’s Guide for the Funeral Clueless

Are you flummoxed by funeral etiquette? Does burial protocol confound you? Are you mortified by the thought you might do something horribly inappropriate or offensive during the dear departed’s last rites? As a public service, we at Mightier than the Pen have composed a basic guide of Dos and Don’ts for the morbidly obtuse. Don’t thank us: we’re just wasting everybody’s time.

Do: Wear subdued colors to funeral.
Don’t:  Loudly critique the sartorial choices of mourners.
Definitely don’t:  ”Who dressed the dead guy – blind weasels?”

Do: Reflect on the transience of life, and therefore its preciousness.
Don’t:  Audibly discuss the disposition of the deceased’s assets.
Definitely don’t: Push a competing heir into the open grave .

Do: Express your sympathy to the loved ones of the deceased.
Don’t: Express wonder that anyone could love the deceased scumbag.
Definitely don’t: Disrupt the eulogies repeatedly with ribald heckling.

Do: Inquire whether there is a charity to which you may donate in the deceased’s name.
Don’t: React negatively upon being informed of the preferred charity.
Definitely don’t: Announce that you shall instead be donating the deceased’s body to science.

Do: Keep a respectful distance from the family at the graveside.
Don’t: Be intrusive or obvious about photographing the proceedings.
Definitely don’t: Try to score an interview with a mourner as the casket is lowered into the ground.

Do: Keep conversation to a minimum.
Don’t: Shush people who talk a little too much.
Definitely don’t: Shush the person delivering the eulogy.

Do: Remark how restful the deceased looks at an open-casket ceremony.
Don’t: Compare the deceased’s looks to those of others present.
Definitely don’t: Use the deceased as a ventriloquist’s dummy to berate others present.

Do: Shed tears at the loss of a loved one.
Don’t: Pass around a slice of onion to help people generate insincere tears.
Definitely don’t: Pass around sneezing powder.

Co-op Board By-Law Number Two: No Farting

Please note that I provide this information only because you seem to need it so desperately. This is not an exhaustive list, mind you. You may contribute little puffs of inspiration of your own should you feel so moved.

When a Fart Is an Inappropriate Response

1. “Would you like a side dish with that?”
2. “What’s your name, soldier?!”
3. “…and let us say, ‘Amen’.”
4. “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”
5. “License and registration, please.”
6. “You have my deepest condolences.”
7. “…and do you, George, take this woman to be your lawful, wedded wife?”
8. “…and the Oscar goes to…”
9. “Lights…camera…action!”
10. “On your marks…get set…go!”
11. “Now be very careful as I light the blowtorch.”
12. “What a lovely dress.”
13. “Sleep tight, dear.”
14. “Let us relax and feel the energy flowing through us…take a deeeep breath through your nose…”
15. “Everyone say, ‘Cheese’!”

Screed Saver

I’m not bigoted; I tell things as they are. So when I say that [insert group title] are a bunch of [insert slur] and never had it so good, that’s just the way things are. In fact, some of my closest friends are [insert group title], so there’s no way I can be prejudiced.

Don’t bother me with historical oppression or discrimination that [insert group title] have suffered. That’s in the past, and I’m talking about today. Today, no one wants to hear about what they owe you because you happened to be born [insert group title].

And what’s so wrong about observing that [insert group title] all happen to share a certain set of characteristics? Don’t tell me it’s just not true; we all know it’s true, but PC idiots want to suppress anything negative about anybody who might deserve it. Because really, the PC agenda is all about devaluing everything so no one realizes [insert group title] is trying to [insert nefarious global/national goal].

This is America, damn it, and last time I checked, we still had freedom of speech, so don’t tell me I can’t speak the truth about [insert group title]. Their feelings can take a hike; I’m protecting America and all it stands for by keeping people aware of the threat that the [insert group title]‘s [insert nefarious global/national goal] poses to everything REAL Americans hold dear.