A-Rod Admits He Actually Sucks
New York (AP) – In an unprecedented admission for an elite professional athlete, New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez announced that despite the statistics documenting his hall-of-fame-caliber achievements, in fact he sucks at baseball.
At a press conference at Yankee Stadium Wednesday afternoon Rodriguez told reporters that although he recently passed Willie Mays to sole possession of seventh place on the all-time Runs Batted In list, that bit of data is “a fluke.”
“I’ve just been lucky, or cheated, or both, basically my entire life. In high school I wasn’t even the best on the team, let alone in the league – and once I got to Seattle, I was basically swinging with my eyes closed.” He called his multiple Gold Glove Awards “a travesty,” and that they should have been given to someone more deserving, such as Boston Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis.
Steroid use allegations have dogged Rodriguez since his days with the Texas Rangers in 2001-2003, and he has admitted using performance-enhancing drugs during that portion of his career. Critics and other skeptics have charged that the steroid use continued into his current stint with the Yankees, a charge Rodriguez has denied.
Long regarded as the only currently active player with a realistic shot at Hank Aaron’s all-time record of 755 home runs, Rodriguez, who has 633, again brushed off the steroid allegations at the press conference, only this time by dismissing it as “irrelevant, since I suck anyway.” As to whether he intends to finish his current contract with the Yankees, which runs through 2017, the third baseman shrugged. “If they want me to, and it’s a binding contract. Who else is going to pay me a hundred million dollars just to keep sucking at baseball?”
Yankees manager Joe Girardi also appeared at the conference to back up his all-star third baseman. “Al has worked hard his whole career, and we know that. Some athletes are just luckier than others. There’s really no earthly reason Carl Yastrzemski shouldn’t have held a World Series trophy in his arms, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Same with Al, just in the other direction – he was the beneficiary of an extraordinary run of really, really good fortune.”
Boston Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy says Rodriguez was simply acknowledging what Red Sox fans have known ever since A-Rod came to New York in 2004. “You can hear it plainly every time A-Rod steps into the batter’s box at Fenway,” he wrote in his column. “The baseball experts of Red Sox Nation have been literally been shouting it for more than seven years. It’s about time someone listened.”
The revelations come on the heels of New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning conceding that the New England Patriots should have won this year’s Super Bowl, since Tom Brady is and always will be ten times the quarterback he is. As for the actual performance of the two teams in the game, which the Giants won, 21-17, Manning merely made vague references to “dumb luck” and “the Belichik method,” which most commentators have understood as an admission of cheating.
It remains to be seen how Rodriguez’s admission will affect his career and New York’s prospects. Shortstop Derek Jeter clearly feels apprehensive about the implications of his teammate’s move, as Jeter dove into the seats at the press conference to prevent Rodriguez from approaching the podium. Jeter injured his face but emerged otherwise unscathed.
Nice Nostrils
I haven’t forgotten about this blog. Really. Here’s a picture of a pig.
Woman Breastfeeding on Subway Causes Massive Orgy
New York (AP) – The sight of a woman suckling her infant on the subway yesterday caused commuters to engage in a wanton, public orgy, say police.
According to preliminary reports, on Monday at about 4:30 PM, Kate Philips, 26, boarded a northbound A train at the 34th St. station, carrying her seven-month-old son. Witness statements indicate that at some point between 59th Street at 125th St., the infant became cranky, and Philips, a pervert who refuses to use formula like other, civilized, humans, loosened a flap in her shirt over her left breast and exposed approximately one-half-square-inch of her flesh for nearly three quarters of a second. The exposure lasted until the child latched on and began to nurse, and during that interval the partially exposed breast wrought moral havoc on all the inhabitants of the subway car.
By the time the express train pulled into 125th St., every passenger in the same car as Philips was a participant in multiple lewd acts and episodes of intercourse, including a 75-year-old man. Commuters boarding at that station told police that not a single passenger was fully clothed, except for the nursing baby, and that they were forced to use other cars of the train because all three entrances to that car were blocked by gang-bangs in progress.
The cordoned-off section of train (Dee Viant, AP)
Philips was arrested upon arrival at 168th St., and her child has been placed in the custody of Child Protective Services. A spokesperson for the agency, Amanda Jefferson, explained that breastfeeding usually indicates that the mother has an unhealthy lasciviousness about her. “With all the infant formula available nowadays, a woman who chooses to breastfeed can only be doing so because it titillates her,” Jefferson told reporters at a press conference. “A woman’s body is not some food factory with sex hormones.”
Police did not allow reporters to enter the subway car, but through its windows the moral chaos that swept through it was plainly visible. Beneath a hair-removal ad featuring a woman in a bikini lay a pile of discarded clothes, some of them ripped along the seams when their wearers were overcome with unbridled lust.
Lew Dacts, one of whose neighbors was in the car, recalled seeing his neighbor later that day walking around in a daze. “I tried to talk to her, just to say hello or something, but she didn’t even notice me. Her breathing was heavy and she had this wild look in her eyes. I didn’t dare stick around,” he said.
The episode comes on the heels of a similar incident in Chicago last month that made national headlines and brought the issue of public breastfeeding to the fore. In that case, a woman sunbathing topless on her roof called the police to report a neighbor ogling her friend, who was had raised her shirt a few inches to nurse her daughter. No arrests have been made in that case.
Philips before her arraignment
Cleeve Idge, an attorney for Philips, said his client was cooperating with police. “Ms. Philips has repeatedly told the police exactly what she did,” said Idge, adding that Philips wants nothing more than to be reunited with her son and does not understand what she did wrong.
Dr. Anna Liszt, a clinical psychologist at Bellevue Hospital, says that Philips is just one of countless young women with a skewed perception of the role of the body and sexuality in everyday life. “These women, in either ignorance or apathy, genuinely believe that the female breast is a source of food first and a sexual firestorm second,” she explained. “Sometimes it can be traced to parents who grew up in the sixties, but usually it’s just another fetish. Excuse me, I’m getting a little warm just talking about it.”
