Security Council to Condemn Israel for Splinters, Stubbed Toes

“Those nefarious Zionists are at it again! This is even worse than when they made me bang my head on the bottom of the table when I dropped my fork!”

Geneva, Switzerland (AP) – Arab nations have brought a resolution to the United Nations Security Council that denounces Israel for perpetrating stubbed toes and splinter injuries throughout the Middle East, in violation of international law.

With the Palestinian Authority seeking yet again to establish itself as a non-member observer state some time during the coming year, Draft Resolution 4761 adds tension to an already volatile Arab-Israeli dynamic, which saw accusations fly earlier this year over the origins of body odor and ingrown hairs. Those resolutions were defeated by vetoes in Security Council voting, as both China and Russia did not want to encourage other nations to look into the national origins of lice and pimples.

In the proposed resolution’s current language, the Council “condemns Israel for continued victimization of Palestinians in the Occupied Territories and in neighboring countries through the nefarious use of splinters and stubbed toes. The United Nations calls upon Israel to meet its obligations under international law and previous UN resolutions, and to cease causing injury to the innocent toes and fingers of oppressed minorities.”

Although Russia and China are expected not to veto this resolution, the U.S. State Department has expressed unease about its language, and most experts believe an American veto is inevitable, given profligate use of splinter and stubbed toe technology by U.S. troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Israeli officials have remained largely silent on the matter, but a Foreign Ministry official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the Jewish state would expend little effort in lobbying its few allies on the Council to defeat the resolution, explaining that the country does not wish to call even more attention to its minor-foot-injury weaponry. It is widely believed in the intelligence community that Israel possesses wart and corn generators, and unconfirmed reports have surfaced in the last six months that the country has also developed a potent paper-cut-and-lemon-juice arsenal.

This finger is widely considered the one Iran has on the button.

Just last week a military facility in Sudan was destroyed by what appeared to be an air attack, and the Sudanese were quick to level accusations at Israel. In its aftermath, residents of the area began complaining of dandruff and itchy noses. Analysts believe the attack was intended to disrupt weapons supplies being smuggled into the Hamas-controlled Gaza Strip. The distance from Israel to Sudan is similar to that between Israel and Iran, and if the accusations are true, then in addition to its direct results in Gaza, the move could easily serve as a signal to the Islamic Republic that Israel has the capability to strike anywhere in Iran, deploying technology to cause mass tripping over cracks in the sidewalk and dropping heavy objects on toes.

An Iranian official canceled an interview via Skype chat, explaining that all of his delegation’s keyboards had a stuck letter “o”.

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