If You Need a Job Not Done, I’m Your Man
Some people spend countless hours looking for just the right person not to do work. I’ve seen it at company after company. The administration spends who knows how many days interviewing candidates, whittling down the list of potential employees and finally making an offer to one or two lucky ones. All to determine which candidate will not do the work.
But you’re fortunate to have found me here and now – I don’t do work, so if there’s a job you want not done, give it to me and it’s as good as not done.
I’ll roll down my sleeves and not get started right away. Need that deck not sanded? Got it covered. Your car not washed? Exactly my cup of tea. Need someone not to watch your kids? Hey, I’ve done that hundreds of times. In fact, you name almost any job, and I can guarantee I’m tops at not doing it.
It takes a certain panache, a certain je ne travaille pas when it comes to not building up an extensive resume. In my case, my innate talent essentially paved my career path from a young age, when I discovered the pleasures of not working, way back in grade school. I’ve followed that dream ever since. Sure, I’ve had rough patches, but every career does. I recall being forced not to work as a garbage man, and at some point even volunteered not to work for pay at several NY City agencies. I was forced to doze in a city-provided car all day instead of not working behind a desk – but I was prepared to cope with what I knew would be temporary non-work.
And today, I have nearly thirty-five years of not working behind me. That may not sound like much, but if you ask around, you’ll discover pretty quickly it’s hard to find someone who has done no work for so long, or so often. Only politicians can claim numbers anywhere close to mine, and they have to do bona fide work when election time rolls around. I have no such handicap. I can do my not working anytime, anywhere, and regardless of the prevailing political situation.
What’s more, I can take non-payment in dollars, Euros, pounds sterling, yen, yuan, rupees – I’m flexible. I can do my not working overseas if necessary – in fact there’s a burgeoning not-working market in the Far East and Africa. They’re the up-and-not-coming labor markets. But it’s always best to hire your non-worker close to home, so here I am.
Best of all, you’ll never even notice I’m on vacation. The quality of my not working won’t diminish one iota when I’m not not on the job. Guaranteed.
So you know what to do. You have work not to do. I’m your man not to do it.
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