Archive for July 2012
Let’s Not Check Facebook for an Hour and Call It “Going Off the Grid”
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Dork, Dweeb, Geek or Nerd?
This isn’t original, but I can’t for the life of me remember where I first saw it, several years ago. It serves an indispensable purpose, however, and that is my obsession with terminological precision. And in case you were wondering, no, I’m not socially inept.
Princess Bride Band Names – this Time with Hit Song Titles
In our previous post we listed a number of phrases from The Princess Bride just begging to be used as rock band names. It then occurred to us not only that we may have missed some (e.g. Too Many Spaniards), but that myriad other phrases from the movie could serve well as album or song titles.
So here are the bands again, this time with their most notable numbers noted:
Mutton, Lettuce and Tomato
To Blave
You Never Had It So Good
Why Don’t You Give Me a Papercut and Pour Lemon Juice on It?
Mostly Dead (would also work as a band name)
It Would Take a Miracle
Hippopotamic Land Mass
Anybody Want a Peanut?
Dream of Large Women
As God Intended
Four White Horses
Hello, Lady!
Man in Black
As You Wish
Destroy a Stained Glass Window
Get Used to Disappointment
Your Dearest Love
Lies Do Not Become Us
So It’s Torture
Storming the Castle
Let Me Sum Up
Stand Your Ground
Have You the Ring?
Overdeveloped Sense of Vengeance
Miserable Vomitous Mass
Warthog-Faced Buffoon
Rodents of Unusual Size
Grunt, Grunt, Snarl (one-hit wonder)
Brute Squad
Thieves’ Forest (also a good band name)
Give Him Some Trouble
Back to the Beginning
Pit of Despair
Before They’re Broken
Nobody Withstands the Machine
Please…Be Honest
Cliffs of Insanity
Inconceivable
Our Way
What You Think It Means
Fire Swamp
Quite Lovely
Panicking into Error
Your Pig Fiancé
Whenever You Feel Like Dying
The Shrieking Eels
I Only Dog-Paddle
At this Time
Maybe I Was a Little…Concerned (But That’s Not the Same Thing)
Only Compared to Some
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Top Ten Band Names from The Princess Bride
10. Mutton, Lettuce and Tomato
9. Hippopotamic Land Mass
8. Man in Black
7. Storming the Castle
6. Rodents of Unusual Size
5. Brute Squad
4. Pit of Despair
3. Cliffs of Insanity
2. Fire Swamp
1. The Shrieking Eels
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Classic Thag, June 2011: If Restaurants Were Run Like Airlines
Maître d’: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling Chez Guevara. How may I help you?
Thag: Hello, I’d like to make a reservation for six o’clock. Four people.
Maître d’: Four people, for six o’clock. Under what name, please?
Thag: Thag.
Maître d’: Mr. Thag, may I have a phone number in case we need to reach you?
Thag: Certainly. I’m at 555-1213.
Maître d’: Very good, sir. See you at six.
Thag: Thank you. Goodbye.
*************************************************************************
Maître d’: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling Chez Guevara. How may I help you?
Thag: Hello, this is Thag. I called earlier about a reservation for four people at six o’clock, but I need to change that.
Maître d’: Just a moment, Mr. Thag. Did you say six?
Thag: Yes. Four people.
Maître d’: I’m sorry, sir, I don’t have anything like that in the records.
Thag: What? That can’t be – I just made the reservation an hour ago.
Maître d’: An hour ago? Oh, sir, but you never closed the reservation, so it never went through.
Thag: Closed…what are you talking about?
Maître d’: It’s standard procedure, sir. A reservation must be closed before it can be processed further. It shouldn’t matter this time, sir, we still have space left at six o’clock. Would you like me to put the reservation in again?
Thag: Yes, please – but how do you close it after that?
Maître d’: Oh, I’ll just do that right now, as well. One moment…you said your name was Mr. Thag?
Thag: Right. Four people – oh, wait, no, it’s five people.
Maître d’: OK, five people at six o’clock. The reservation is complete. Your phone number in case we need to reach you?
Thag: 555-1213. What good is the phone number if you don’t use it to call me?
Maître d’: We might need to, sir, if there’s a problem with the reservation.
Thag: But you didn’t call me to tell me there was a problem!
Maître d’: Sir, there wasn’t a reservation.
Thag: But there was! I made it an hour ago!
Maître d’: It was never closed, sir, so it never was. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.
Thag: Goodness gracious. I do hope there are no more hassles.
Maître d’: We do too, sir.
************************************************************************
Maître d’: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling Chez Guevara. How may I help you?
Thag: Hello, this is Mr. Thag. I’d like to change my reservation to six-thirty if at all possible.
Maître d’: Just a moment, sir…was that a six o’clock reservation for five people?
Thag: That’s right.
Maître d’: How would you like to change it, sir?
Thag: I’d like to make it six-thirty, please.
Maître d’: I’m sorry, sir, I can’t do that.
Thag: Why not?
Maître d’: You never confirmed your reservation, sir. We gave the table to another party.
Thag: Confirmed?! What in blazes are you talking about?!
Maître d’: Please sir, there’s no need to get excited. All reservations must be confirmed or they are canceled.
Thag: No need to get excited?! You canceled my perfectly good reservation!
Maître d’: Mr. Thag, I can try to restore it. Please be patient. I will check to see whether we still have room.
Thag: Still have room? Why didn’t you call me to make sure? I left my phone number for just that reason!
Maître d’: Sir, you didn’t call to confirm.
Thag: Why did you take my phone number then? What do you need it for?
Maître d’: In case we need to contact you, sir.
Thag: Why would you need to contact me?
Maître d’: In case there’s a problem with your reservation.
Thag: But you didn’t contact me!
Maître d’: No, sir, there was nothing wrong with the reservation.
Thag: And yet you canceled it!
Maître d’: Exactly. It wasn’t confirmed, so we canceled it.
Thag: But you should have contacted me first to make sure!
Maître d’: No, sir, only if there was a problem with the reservation. There was no problem, just a lack of confirmation. If you’d have called to confirm that would have been a different story. Now do you want me to put it through again?
Thag:
Maître d’: …I can put you down for a party of five at six forty-five. Will that do?
Thag: It’s not as if I have have a choice, now, is it?
Maître d’: Sir, there’s no need to get testy. Shall I make your reservation for six forty-five?
Thag: Yes. Then close it, or whatever the hell you’re supposed to do. Then confirm it.
Maître d’: Right away, sir. May I have your credit card number and expiration date?
Thag: My what? Are you serious?
Maître d’: Completely serious, Mr. Thag. We need to make sure our guests show up. The space here is in high demand.
Thag: Oh my goodness. I can’t believe this…my card number is VISA 4690555125558444, expires January 2012.
Maître d’: Thank you sir. See you at six forty-five.
Thag: Not if I see you first.
******************************************************************************
Maître d’: Welcome to Chez Guevara. May I have your reservation please?
Thag: Thag, party of five.
Maître d’: …Party of five…I’m sorry sir, there seems to have been a problem with your reservatio-
******************************************************************************
TV News Anchor: …Thag, 36, of Shaker Heights, was charged with aggravated assault for attempting to strangle the maître d’ of Chez Guevara, Mr. Thomas Alvarez…
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Mass Demonstrations Calling for U.S. Intervention in Syria Continue Not to Happen
The flag of Syria, which was not set alight in protest.
A year since the start of an uprising against Basher Al-Assad’s rule, millions of people did not gather in public places across the U.S. to demand that the United States intervene to protect the Syrian populace from government forces. Tens of thousands of civilians and armed rebels have been killed since the uprising began.
Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) did not address a throng of protesters on the Mall in Washington, D.C., calling for resolute American military action similar to the NATO operations in Libya last year. “It is past time for us to stand up for the civil rights of the people of Syria and protect them from the brutality of the Assad regime,” Schumer did not say to thunderous applause from the nonexistent crowd. “America has the resources, the stamina and the moral imperative to show our support and defend the oppressed citizens of Syria,” he did not continue.
The Mall in Washington, D.C., where a mass rally in favor of intervening did not occur.
The White House did not respond with an official statement acknowledging the complexity of the situation and expressing solidarity with the Syrian people. President Obama did not incorporate mention of the rally and the sentiment it did not express when he did actually conduct his weekly radio address.
“We have a serious naval presence in the Eastern Mediterranean, and can provide air support for the Syrian rebels,” Obama was not heard to say to the American people. “Just as we did in Libya, American or NATO or other internationally sanctioned military action is a serious consideration right now,” Obama did not say.
The rally did not attract approximately 75,000 people, and traffic inside the D.C. Beltway was not disrupted. A smaller counter-demonstration calling for a more isolationist US foreign policy similarly did not take place.
“The American people have enough to worry about without barging into the back yard of every third-world dung heap,” Senator Rand Paul (R-KY), did not say. About 500 people, primarily Tea Party activists, were not present, and were not holding placards denouncing talk of further US military involvement overseas.
Rand Paul (R-KY), who did not address protesters.
“Are You Syri-ous?” read one placard that no one held aloft. “More troops in the Eastern Med shows you have a tiny head!” no one chanted. Demonstrators in neither rally mugged for cameras or were interviewed by members of the news media, which did not extensively cover the non-event.
Experts on foreign policy have not weighed in the impact of the rally, and have not invoked it repeatedly in discussing the attitude of the American public toward continued involvement in foreign conflicts. However, anti-Israel advocacy groups have had no problem interpreting this development to suit their agenda, as they seldom base their positions on factual events.
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The Worst-Sellers in Children’s Books
It’s time to revisit a theme I have long neglected: Bad ideas in the genre of Children’s book titles.
One More Hand Grenade for Baby
Words that Rhyme with Angina
Billy Bob’s Big Book of Beggars’ Boils
Let’s Make Fun: Retards
Let’s Make Fun II: Gimps
Let’s Make Fun III: Old People
Let’s Make Fun IV: Rednecks
How Loud Can You Yell in Mommy’s Ear?
The iPhone, the Toilet and You
Bathtub Toast
That’s Not a Tea Bag
The Pleasures of Paranoia
Sweet Schizophrenia
You Can Be Obese, Too!
Where Daddy Keeps the Gin
Prescription Candy
101 Places to Wipe Your Boogers
Who’s Going to Hell Unless You Browbeat Them into Accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior?
Enough for now. Additional suggestions welcome. Keep it PG-13, please.
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