Archive for January 2012
Follower of St. Nucleus Accused of Fissionary Work
Protonstant activists have leveled charges against Dr. Atom Smasher, a prominent Church theorist, of breaching core issues of dogma. In a statement to the press, the International Nuclearical Research Institute (INRI) accused Dr. Smasher of unauthorized proliferation of the Critical Mass.
Long a proponent of advancing the decay of centralized authority, Smasher now faces the fallout from a chain reaction of events triggered by his fissionary work, as well as whispers of relationships that went beyond Plutonic. Although Smasher once focused solely on metalliturgy, recent decades have seen his endeavors move toward the impact of the Crucifission, and whether such a cataclysmic events could be pushed beyond the testament phase under the right conditions.
Smasher’s musical pursuits began with the publication of his RequieMC², and soon he was expending much of his energy conducting at a megatonchurch in Los Alamos, New Mexico. He continued composing, as well, but his next piece – a Ce Sium – brought him 
trouble. A papal chernobull excommunicated him, prompting observations among the nucleargy that Atom had split.
Mutual recriminations followed, and the exchanges deuteriorated Rad-ically into an un-convent-ional cold war of words, with some enclergy going so far as to call Smasher the coolantichrist, that he had forfeited his place in the halfterlife. Eventually Smasher took up with the Presbyturbines, contributing much to their knowledge of the trinitium and the doctrines governing heavy holy water. Newtronfound freedom from the doctrinal Josephty measures normally associated with ecclisiblastical pursuits, and his theology mushroomed into full-blown heresy when he called into question the symbol of the fission as an accurate representation of ancient Hebrewshima Christian symbology.
Smasher, however, praydiates for the explosion to die down, so that both sides can adopt a more neutronal tone. He has remained un-Mary-ed. Hypocenterically, he can see the Church cancering the chernobull, but that won’t happen anytime soon, he acknowledges with a Nagasinking feeling, but he is Geiger to get on with his research.
And the Lord, Said, “Let There Be Lice.” And It Was Icky.
Not that I speak from experience or anything. Not at all.
In Which We Welcome the Wrath of Abstract Art Aficionados
Disclaimer: if you know anything about art, please shut up. I mean in general.
Woman in Shoe-House Loses Custody of Children
The house from which the children were removed. Authorities are investigating allegations of neglect and abuse.
MORRISTOWN, NJ (AP) – Child welfare authorities removed eleven children from the custody of their mother Tuesday, reacting to the crowded, unsanitary conditions in the family’s residence, a giant shoe.
The children, ranging in age from less than a year to just shy of eighteen, were visibly dirty upon their removal from the premises, but a state-appointed physician subsequently examined them and found them to be in good health. The mother, whose name is being withheld, has been in police custody since Tuesday, as well, awaiting arraignment on multiple charges of endangering the welfare of children. Other charges are pending, according to a police spokesman. The mother has yet to name an attorney.
State child welfare inspectors first became aware of the family’s squalid home environment last month. A representative of the agency visited the shoe. The representative documented the inadequate hygiene and overcrowding, and warned the mother of the consequences of keeping the home in such a condition.
According to neighbors, the family does not send the children to school, and the other neighborhood children seldom interact with them. “We rarely see any of them,” said Melanie Davis, a nearby mother of three. “We once took our kids over there on Halloween for trick-or-treat, but that family didn’t have anything to give out except some leftover bread and broth from the night before. The mother eventually came to the door and said, ‘I don’t know what to do’.”
John Da Silva, another neighbor, does not recall seeing the father of the family, but with so many young children and a mother who seems never to leave, he knows the man must exist. The father was apparently not at home, however, when the authorities came to take the children.
The fate of the children remains unclear at this stage. Preliminary psychiatric evaluations have raised the possibility that the children were physically abused, but an agency spokesman said that was not certain. He did, however, mention the ten-year-old, a nimble boy who keeps expressing a desire to jump over a candlestick. “That’s just plain weird,” said the spokesman.
