Even an Insignificant Twerp Such as You Is a Target
You might consider yourself unworthy of the attention – and I would wholeheartedly agree – but you still might be at risk of having your phone hacked. So here are some tips for keeping your voice mail secure, even if you think the DVD drive is just a fancier cup holder than a CD drive:
1. Ditch your phone entirely and communicate only by telegram or bicycle messenger service.
2. Strike first by hacking your own phone, with an implement such as a meat cleaver or hatchet.
3. Record an intolerably long and grating outgoing message so that no one will have the patience to leave you any voice mail.
4. If you suspect someone has been hacking into your voice mail, just keep telling anyone who will listen, rather than contacting your provider or the authorities. It’s so much more satisfying to have something to complain about than to actually do anything about it.
5. Have your phone answered by a secretary instead of a machine or software. To avoid having your secretary hacked, stand over your secretary with a mallet, using it to wipe the secretary’s memory after each message is taken.
6. Use your phone to make threatening calls to prominent figures in organized crime. Openly mock their ability to track you down. Voice mail will no longer be your problem.
7. Use one of those old-fashioned rotary mobile phones that don’t come equipped with voice mail.
8. If you send me $1,500 by PayPal, I will magically make your voice mail hack-proof.
9. An all-prune-juice diet will help you focus on aspects of your life more fundamental than some silly electronic message system.
10. Anything more technologically advanced than the typewriter is an affront to the Lord. You flagrant sinners deserve all the trouble you get.