Now Class, Let’s All Make Fun of People Who Are Different

Hello, everyone. Settle down, please. Today we’re going to talk about pluralism.

Pluralism means wanting or accepting our differences, even if those differences are very big. Timmy, sit down, and leave Marcia alone. Leaving Marcia alone means you accept her being different from you, even though she never takes a bath. We call that part of pluralism “tolerance.”

When we are tolerant, we do not make other people feel bad for being different from us. Gregory here is the only black person in this class, but to call him “son-of-a-whore” because of it would not be tolerant, even if he probably doesn’t know who his father is. Kim and Anna’s parents came from some godforsaken country in Asia, but we do not call them “gook” or “slanty-eyed.” We want to be pluralistic.

Now, the principal wants us to talk about pluralism because some children in the older grades beat up another student because he goes to a Mormon church, not a real church. We all know that beating people up for being different is wrong; we’re only supposed to give them dirty looks and say they will go to Hell when they die. But Principal Martin thinks we need to try even harder than that. So we’re going to talk about pluralism and tolerance.

You might think that we don’t try to be tolerant when someone is clearly wrong, but actually, that’s exactly when it happens. Even though Jews are Hellspawn who killed our Lord, we are not going to spit on Jacob or Beth. We are going to treat them as we treat everyone else. Yes, Timothy, that means they stay in the room when we have our class Christmas party.

Pluralism is one of the reasons our founding fathers made sure there would be freedom of religion, and that’s the way the courts still see it, even though our founding fathers did not face the danger of Muslims trying to impose Shariah law on us and make us their servants. Yes, Jessica, that’s exactly what they believe; just ask your pastor. But if we had a Muslim in our class, there would be no singling him or her out for beaning during dodge ball just for that reason. He would also have to be a nerd. Yes, Timothy, he could also come to the Christmas party.

What’s that, Grace? Well, that is a good question, but not really about pluralism, so I’ll answer it very briefly. Our founding fathers decided we need what’s called a “separation of church and state,” which means that the government will not favor one religious group over another. But of course everyone knows they meant this to be a Christian nation, so having a Christmas party in a public school is no big deal.

But back to pluralism. In addition to talking about pluralism, we’re going to spend some time practicing it. I have here a dress – a very ugly dress. Jacob, you’ll get to wear this dress and stand at the front of the class. The rest of us will practice trying not to laugh or throw things at Jacob.

We’ll do this every morning, right after the pledge of allegiance. Jacob, Beth, Kim, Anna and Gregory will take turns wearing the dress.

Now, if you’ll open your English books to page forty…

In the Beginning, God Regretted Making Barney

Much fuss has been made about making classics more accessible to today’s audience. Well, to hell with that. Literally, that is, if have a particular view of certain revered texts. To wit:

It started back In the Beginning
Before everyone started sinning.
But I think He’d retract
If He knew for a fact
Its result would be Charlie Sheen’s “winning.”

God spoke, and thus light was created.
“It’s good,” He said, but vacillated:
“Is it particle? Wave?
Let’s just watch it behave
And in eons, its nature debated.”

Though He wouldn’t deign to explain why,
The Lord then created the sky.
But at that point, the song
Was historically wrong:
No Lucy, and no diamonds, on high.

When the dry land emerged from the sea
Earth could then grow such things as the tree
Though one can’t help but wonder
Whether ’twas all a blunder:
Sans hammocks, what use could there be?

Though it wasn’t quite made on day four
Taco Bell is just the kind of store
To fit in with the pattern
With Jupiter, Saturn
And the rest in the “gas giant” corps.

Day five brought forth fishes and birds
(And, if you’re a creationist, herds
Of some dinosaurs, natch,
Caught outside Noah’s hatch -
Though I must say, that’s not in the words).

Day six: made orangutan
And the billions of others He planned.
But one creature would rule
Over canine and mule:
I mean cats. Wait, you thought I meant man?

 

Oh, and We Think that Hitler Dude’s Got Serious Artistic Potential

Dear Mr. Picasso:

We appreciate your interest in our gallery. Thank you for submitting your work for our consideration. It is with regret that we inform you that we have decided against showing the works you have presented to us.

Please understand that we hold you in high regard: your brushstroke technique and sense of color are second to none, and your subject matter speaks to the very core of human emotion. However, we feel compelled to outline why, in the end, we have declined to display your paintings.

Primarily, our considerations stem from a keen awareness of emerging trends in art. In the opinion of our team of experts, the distorted figures your paintings depict will have narrow appeal, and fleeting popularity, if any. As the lifeblood of any gallery is the art-appreciating public, we must act in accordance with what we deem the most likely public reaction to any given work. From a purely economic standpoint, we must refrain from devoting space in our gallery to works upon which the public will spit.

Please do not take this to mean that we have not considered the artistic merits of your paintings. On the contrary: we spent much time examining and discussing your work. The outcome of these discussions pointed invariably to our sense that you have no idea what you are doing. You must have talent – as we mentioned, your technique and subject matter are beyond reproach – but why you would choose to depict such distorted, manifestly crude figures when a world of aesthetic richness awaits in the realistic, the mythical, the naturally beautiful?

Any preschooler can tell you, after all, that eyes do not belong on the same side of the nose. Ignoring this basic anatomical feature bespeaks apathy, laziness or utter disdain. We should not need to inform you that neither we nor our clientele find such attitudes attractive.

Moreover, your attempt to depict the female form as an object of little more than sensuality, devoid of lofty potential, casts doubt on the suitability of your work for today’s audience. This is not Salzburg or Paris in the 1870′s, Mr. Picasso; we see decadence as a short-lived phenomenon, not one to be enshrined in our period’s art.

We will gladly reconsider our position if you return with a reformed portfolio, one that better reflects the spirit of the times and upstanding moral character. Perhaps then we can discuss your emerging career. Until then, we shall adhere to our assessment that your work, though mildly interesting, will fail to generate sufficient excitement as to warrant our endorsement of it.

Sincerely,

The Rectocephallic Inversion Gallery

 

I Think I Only Forgot to Diss the Evangelicals and Mormons

In today’s sensitive political environment, a writer must take care not to alienate large numbers of readers. For one thing, that means keeping use of the word “nigger” to a minimum. Overuse of the word “nigger” is liable to drive away people of African ancestry, as well as people who sympathize with their historic plight. So the sensitive writer will avoid using words such as “nigger” more than absolutely necessary, and will certainly not say “nigger” repeatedly in the space of a few sentences, no matter how noble or instructive the purpose.

Public opinion, after all, can determine the fortunes of a career, especially one so dependent on the public as writing. So a writer had best toe the line of prevailing political winds, and steer well clear of offending the public – by which one must never mean Jews who control public opinion through the media. Saying such things would be imprudent – nay, suicidal – in our social context. One dares not refer to the supposed Jewish control of media or of banking, nor to any supposed characteristics they may have as a group: hooked noses, usurious tendencies, distaste for buying retail, whatever. Additionally, you would be best advised not to employ terms such as “Hymie” and “Kike.” Yids will jump all over you for that. The reaction will become especially vehement if you precede any of these terms with, “goddamn.”

Conversely, if you happen to be Jewish, you should avoid referring to gentiles as “goyim,” as they might not like the sound of it. Calling non-Jewish women “shiksas” sounds about as offensive as it really is, so don’t do it, and never, ever speak aloud the idea that shiksas are for practice, or that all non-Jews, especially the shvartzes, are violent thugs out to rape and pillage, however true you might find it. Yes, “shvartze” is just Yiddish for “black,” but considering the national uproar over the innocuous word “niggardly” a few years back, you don’t want to go there.

(True exchange witnessed by my mother:
Elderly Yiddish-speaking lady: “…I mean the man over there – the shvartze.”
Daughter: “Mom, you shouldn’t use that word.”
Elderly lady: “What should I call him – blue?”).

The same goes for homosexuals, although here the pitfalls are less of the stereotyping variety than of plain old intolerance. One may say “gay” or “lesbian,” but “fagot” is out of the question – one should even stay away from the shortened form “fag” used in the innocuous British sense, i.e. a cigarette, however unfortunate the conflation. See “niggardly,” above. Do not say anyone packs fudge, unless you are referring, literally, to a person whose activities involve placing that chocolate confection into shipping or sales containers. Fags and people who support their rights – and we should all be so supportive, I need not remind you – can get very upset when the word “fag” occurs unnecessarily. It also goes without saying that “goddamn fag” is a no-no.

If you happen to follow the Muslim faith, calling non-Muslims “infidels” or “dhimmi” can get you into trouble, no matter how sincerely you believe the worthless pig-dogs will serve you in paradise. “Jihad” is a term best left out of casual political discourse. You put your career in jeopardy if you offend the infidels, the very infidels whose positive attention you need in order to raise the capital to fund your jihad against infidels. Tread carefully.

Be careful when referring to Catholics, as well. Avoid the term “papist” if at all possible; papists are a powerful demographic, and suggesting that their true loyalty is with Rome, not Main Street or Washington, can get you in trouble. There is no reason to keep using the term “papist” multiple times when the audience knows you mean Catholics. Avoid implying that Catholic doctrine somehow contributes to a default papist state of unhealthy sexual repression, or that something inherent in Catholicism produces goddamn pedophile priests. As a subset of this warning, remain vigilant regarding those of Irish ancestry, many of whom maintain papist sensibilities, and who, for some reason, bear a reputation for drunkenness.

By the same token, do not assume that Scots are skinflints - do not confuse unjustly attributed Scottish cheapness with unjustly attributed Jewish cheapness – that Germans are all Nazis, that Russians are unrepentant Communists, that Democrats are radical leftists, that Poles are backward, unsanitary anti-Semites, that French are adulterous surrender-monkeys who never shower and whose women never shave, or that anyone speaking Spanish in the US arrived there illegally. Implying any of these – nay, even mentioning such ideas out loud – can cause a writer undue trouble.

Avoid referring to Arabs and other natives of the Near and Middle East as “sand niggers.” Although most people don’t understand the term anymore, “wogs” carries the same taboo. Similarly, “towel-heads” triggers a negative reaction among enlightened souls – and among plenty of unenlightened ones, so just leave well enough alone. Not that one should perpetuate such a stereotype, but if it were true, you wouldn’t want any of the unenlightened ones blowing up your house in response.

I hope you have taken these rhetorical points to heart. You should have no problem if you’re Asian, because Asians are very good about this kind of thing. The rest of us will have to try harder. Goddammit.

Can We Just Have the Same Argument Over and Over Again?

I used to frequent an online forum that billed itself as a place to meet and engage in spirited discussions with critical thinkers and less critical thinkers of various stripes. I’ll grant the discussion were spirited, and that in fact the population of the forum lived up to the variety its supporters touted. But I haven’t visited in at least a year, and that brief foray was also the first in about two years.

I used to crave the challenge of defending or disproving positions on all subjects. Nothing was off limits: religion, politics, racism, economics, history, science, the paranormal, you name it. Owing to the type of discourse, the majority of forum regulars had – at least it appeared to me – above average intelligence, and I enjoy interacting with smart people (as far back as high school I simply couldn’t understand why various popular kids were popular; I couldn’t stand being around those idiots). Ever since I first began to frequent the forum in late 2005, I learned to reexamine dearly held assumptions, to refine myriad arguments and conceptions about the world.

Of course the place had a lighter side, with puzzles, games, and discussion threads that went on and on with creative silliness. My favorite thread had a user post an “answer” to an unasked question, and the next person to post had to come up with the best possible question for that answer, then provide another answer so the game could continue. For example: Answer: “That’s ‘discreet’, not ‘discrete’.” Question: “So, Mr. President, you want a separate chapter about each intern?”

But eventually, the games and humor portions of the site remained the only ones that held any appeal for me. Returning to the site after a prolonged absence, I found the same issues continually rehashed, sometimes by the same people, sometimes by others, with nary a novel thought or approach. I realized that people tended to talk at each other, not to each other, with each side in a debate seeking more to score rhetorical points than to genuinely pursue understanding or persuasion.

It was about that time that I began to sour on the comments that many news and opinion sites display. Does anyone genuinely think that a reader will be swayed by the opinion of some anonymous post in some corner of the web? Have any of these people stopped to think of the astronomical odds of any opinion forming and solidifying based solely on the input they receive at a given site? There’s no need to answer that question; it’s clear that too many people view themselves as far more important and influential than reality cares to let them be. Getting involved or obsessed with the last word in an online political or religious debate constitutes nothing more than a colossal waste of time.

Not that such a rational argument would sway many of the, uh, personalities we encounter online (and in meatspace, but at least there we can see and avoid them). I’m no Einstein (I’m more a Homer Simpson with hair), but I caught on pretty quickly that people do not tend to be swayed by multiple exclamation points!!!! in their arguments. Nor do BRIGHT COLORS and BOLD TEXT compensate for feeble debating skills. These points seem to be lost on certain evangelical Christians; believers in the paranormal, homeopathy et al; and foaming-at-the-mouth liberal and/or far-right partisans on any political issue (Lesbian Zionist Islamists were the ones behind 9/11, and the government made it happen! Discuss).

I’m just tired of it now. You could try to convince me to change my attitude, but anyone who does that is a fundamentalist moron.

See what I did there? That’s called “poisoning the well.” Another pitfall in debating involves the straw man, arguing against a position that one’s opponent does not actually represent. You, for example, might wish to convince me to read more irredeemably stupid comments, and you would argue that I should change my position because it’s better not to avoid reading news altogether. I could in turn respond with a slippery slope fallacy, arguing that if I begin to read comments, I’ll inexorably find myself caught up in a deadly protest involving abortion clinics. These are just some of the delightful bits of information I absorbed. They’re useful in “winning” debates at the dinner table, but one seldom makes friends by pointing out other people’s logical fallacies.

It’s much easier to bad-mouth them anonymously in some comment, after all.

But you probably don’t have the guts. Go ahead. Make my day. Submit a comment disproving my contentions.

*Sound of crickets*

I knew you’d see it my way.

Dear, the Laundry Room Is a Lousy Place for that Nuclear Waste

*Sigh.* I’m getting tired of this, Leonard. I shouldn’t have to keep telling you that the laundry room is a lousy place to store spent nuclear fuel.

I know you work hard, dear. You come home every evening exhausted, and most of the time I suppress the urge to remind you of all the little tasks still waiting to get done. Well, we have some dinner, relax in front of the TV, and before we know it, it’s time for bed. It’s no wonder things sit around for months at a time. Still, this whole nuclear waste thing really shouldn’t wait any longer.

I also work hard, you know. It’s no picnic cleaning up after the kids, getting them ready for school, cooking every meal, washing dishes, doing laundry, keeping the place tidy and making sure everyone does chores and homework. Most days I feel like collapsing even before you get home, but I push myself, because those moments with just you are among the warmest ones I have, especially sitting so close to the radioactive waste.

Oh, I know there are a million things to do: we’ve got that fussy roof tile, the hedge needs trimming again, that tree in the back yard looks like it’s about to fall, and a dozen little hinges and joints around the house need to be adjusted and oiled. I get it. It makes so much more sense to deal with the active chores with a visible, tangible result, as compared with just finding a better place for the uranium-234 and americium-241.

Oh, don’t we have a better place to keep it? We barely use that second shed out back, and there should be plenty of room in there, between the old anthrax spores and the smallpox cultures. And I’ll admit I’m ashamed we have to do this with all the dead animals, but you could just discreetly dump it in the Assads’ pond. They’re not suspicious yet, unlike those Blix folks next door.

Remember when we had that garage sale last April, and we considered selling all the leftover uranium? For some reason we never got around to hauling it out of the laundry room and into the front yard. I think we could have gotten rid of the stuff, or at least a good bit of it. Susan Ellwood would have bought some at the drop of a hat – she’s always been a collector of odd junk. Since the radioactive waste is just taking up space here, it certainly would get better use over at Susan’s place. Remember all those glow-in-the-dark trinkets she sent with last year’s Christmas cards? I’m telling you, all that radium and thorium-232 would have made her life so much easier.

You know what? Maybe she still wants it. She’d appreciate the convenience, now that she’s getting married again and has less time for personal projects. Her fiancé is such a pleasant man. Mahmoud is his name, I think. Mahmoud Ahmadi-something. Yes, he’d appreciate the gesture, as well. I’ll give them a call right now.

Dear Applicant: Go Soak Your Head

Dear Mr. Gorman:

This kind of letter would normally begin with an expression of thanks for the applicant’s interest in our fine institution, followed by an expression of regret that we were unable to accommodate all applicants, and we respectfully inform the applicant, in as gentle terms as possible, that we have rejected the application. Then we would wish the applicant success in pursuing educational goals elsewhere.

However, in your case, following this procedure in good conscience proved well nigh impossible, as not a single member of our admissions committee in any way thought your application deserved even the small measure of gratitude that we normally associate with the receipt of applications from high school seniors. Nor did any committee members feel it necessary to couch our rejection of your application – dare we say our rejection of you as a human being – in gentle terms. Nor, for that matter, do any of us wish you success in pursuing educational goals anywhere, as we would not wish to inflict you on even our fiercest academic rivals.

For the sake of honesty, the committee elected to respond specifically to your application instead of issuing the perfunctory, pro forma rejection that the majority of the unsuccessful applicants will receive. Indeed, the committee found it galling that you would submit your application in the first place. Our institution prides itself on attracting some of the finest promising minds in the country. Your application, transcript and accompanying references leave us astounded that anyone, let alone an ambitious if imbecilic applicant, would agree to endorse your candidacy for a coveted spot in our class of 2016.

Although we had no doubts regarding your manifest incompetence as soon as we beheld your application and the accompanying essays, procedure forced us to give attention to the letters of recommendation from teachers, and we regret the experience. For we were horrified to discover that the atrocious grammar, spelling, punctuation and sentence structure that characterized your essays were echoed most jarringly in the recommendations that arrived separately from your mentors. We did briefly entertain the suspicion that you had composed the letters of recommendation yourself, but dismissed that notion almost immediately upon recalling the application itself, a document so riddled with incoherent, puerile expression as to rule out the applicant’s possession of the mental capacity required for such subterfuge.

We did discuss whether the entire application, references and all, might be part of an elaborate practical joke, and we have not completely eliminated that prospect from our minds, but the evidence points to genuine stupidity, cluelessness and entitlement on your part.

In fact the recommendations, if they even deserve that name, made clear in no uncertain terms that this institution would suffer mightily if it admitted you. Seldom, if ever, do we receive letters recommending we stay as far from a student as possible, so these made us take notice. All three letters, as brimming with errors as they were, nevertheless made clear that the writers considered you unworthy of the life you had been granted, a waste of space and resources, and, in one case, a candidate for retroactive abortion.

As you could imagine if such a thing were within your mental capabilities, which we doubt, such a description is not a frequently occurring one in this context. We therefore had no choice but to reject your application, and are still considering legal means by which to exact compensation for the horror to which you and your misguided guidance counselor, if any, have subjected us. We can only pray that you have confined your application to this institution, and have not forced other admissions committees to confront your atrocity of an application.

We wish you minimal contact with, and impact upon, other humans.

Sincerely,

The Admission Committee
Yale University

It’s Been a Pleasure, If Pleasure Means Utter Nightmare

Thank you, everyone. I’ve never been very good at speeches, but for this goodbye party I think I can manage.

What can I say? It’s been eight years – and it seems like only yesterday I first rode up here in that elevator. Remember when it used to work? Well, I suppose it does technically still work, but all those failed safety inspections have made it illegal to operate. Kudos to Maintenance for consistently dropping the ball on that one, with a nod to Mr. Daly, whose budgetary sensitivities have always made Maintenance’s job so much more interesting.

But I’m getting ahead of myself; there are so many more people to acknowledge before Mr. Daly, who deserves a speech all his own. First of all, thanks to Dominic and Phoebe for organizing this little shindig. I know you have your hands full with keeping Mr. Daly’s plants well maintained and picking up his dry cleaning, so we should all be aware that arranging this event wasn’t easy – Dominic and Phoebe had to cut their solitaire games to the bone in order to fit this into the schedule and keep hounding us about who would contribute what, ever since Mr. Daly eliminated the budget for refreshments. I know your job titles are officially Administrative Assistant and Office Manager, but really you do much more than that. How many office managers do you know who make it their business to make sure no one’s working lunch lasts more than eight minutes?

Jeff, you’ve been here even longer than I have. That makes you the only veteran around here now, I guess. I’m only beginning to understand, after eight years, just how you do it. Most people would have jumped out the window by now, but you just plug away, every day, five days a week, impervious to the capriciousness and invective that rains down from on high. Jeff, you’ve made me envy deaf people in general, now that I’ve seen how crucial deafness can be in surviving this environment. If we still had a working water cooler, the gossip around it would never involve you, even if almost everyone here would have no qualms about bad-mouthing a deaf man.

Speaking of the water cooler, I must note Ernie’s contribution to our accomplishments. Ernie, when you kicked the cooler in fit of rage, did you expect that doing so would reverse the results of the office NCAA tournament betting pool? Although I personally think Mr. Daly’s reaction was excessive – making all of us suffer by refusing to fund the cooler’s replacement – I must take the rare step of agreeing with him: Duke never deserves to win.

Jacquelin, I’ve shared a cubicle with you for almost a year. In that time you’ve learned so much about sharing space that I feel we can almost be friends. I say “almost” because Mr. Daly doesn’t allow socializing among employees during work hours, and we must go our separate ways at day’s end – I to my family and you to your other job at Derrick’s Go-Go Lounge. I do wish you didn’t have to work two jobs, Jacquelin, but apparently the salary budget has been frozen for six years despite the consistent profits this division generates. This evening, would you be so kind as to ask Derrick if there are any more openings on his staff?

I’d like to mention some people who are no longer with us here, notably George, my previous cubicle mate, and Gregg before him. Their tendency to work nights made sharing the space with them almost bearable, at least until Mr. Daly mandated everyone’s presence at 8:00 AM sharp. Everyone excepting himself, of course; he couldn’t get back from the golf course until at least 9:30, and that was only on days when the club wasn’t fêting some other stodgy old white guy at brunch. So a shout out to George and Gregg. Gregg wouldn’t hear me anyway, with those noise-canceling headphones of his and his enthusiasm for Black Sabbath, but it’s the thought that counts.

The thought, indeed: Mr. Daly, I thought you’d want to be here to bid farewell to the only member of your staff who has never falsified expense reports, but apparently I thought wrong. After all, they’re honoring old whatsisname again at the country club this morning, and God forbid you should miss an opportunity to rub shoulders with other ambitious jerks. But now is hardly the time to indulge in petty complaints; those are your specialty, after all. So I am recording this little address, and I leave for you a token of my regard for you, with a note attesting to everything you did to contribute to it. Phoebe, please make sure that Mr. Daly gets this bag of soiled diapers. I’d love to say that I personally gathered each one from the day care center downstairs, but that would imply far more effort than you’re worth, Mr. Daly. No, I had everyone contribute toward it, which they did with unbridled enthusiasm – enthusiasm that I had yet to see in all my years here. I wish you many more decades of striving toward social mediocrity.

Thank you, everyone. I’ll be here until 5:30, giggling in front of my empty inbox.

Mention “Abuse” One More Time and I’ll Smack You

Hi, Doctor. I was told to come here.

Yeah, well I don’t know, exactly, but the judge said I have to be here. I don’t have any problems that I need a shrink for, you know. I’m just doing what that brainless judge ordered me to do. Some choice I had. I could come here, and waste everybody’s time, or go to jail, and waste everybody’s tax dollars. Why can’t they just leave me alone and be done with it? Somebody’s got the wrong idea about who’s causing all the problems here. Goddamn system.

Like I said, there’s nothing wrong with me, but the judge thought otherwise. Stupid judge. Thinks everything can be made hunky dory with a visit to some therapist. Sometimes talk, talk and more talk isn’t the way to solve any problems. Sometimes a good smack across the face is the only way to get your message across. But would the judge hear that? Noooo, he thinks I’m the one who needs to change my attitude. Talk about needing some sense whacked into you. I’d do just that, but the bailiffs probably wouldn’t let me. So here I am.

Why’d he send me here? Damned if I know, doc. All I can tell is that the judge liked my girlfriend more than he liked me. She was probably flirting with him. There’s another who could stand a few more swift kicks in the behind: never stops complaining; doesn’t know how to cook a proper meal; cries like a baby when I lock her in the house. All that crying is what sold the judge, I’ll bet. I’ll give her reason to cry, damn it.

A woman should know better than that, doc, you know what I mean? Give a man a little peace and quiet, so he doesn’t have to listen to the nonstop whining about not getting out to see friends, or talk to her family. She doesn’t need to talk to that good-for-nothing family of hers, anyway. Give her all these crazy ideas about a woman’s place. I’ve had a hard enough time keeping her on her best behavior, and all they want to do is fill her head with drivel, and maybe take her away from me with all this talk of restraining orders and rights and all that crap. No one’s gonna do that, doc. I’ll make sure. That’s why I bought those shackles.

Haven’t had to use ‘em yet, of course. She’s scared now, and that’s the way it’s gonna stay. I don’t think I’ll need to use ‘em, but don’t think I won’t if she forces me to. I got problems enough as it is, what with her so-called friends trying to call her at all hours, as if something horrible has just happened. She’s fine, alright? You can go back home now and turn the TV on. Then maybe you’ll get an idea what you’re interrupting me from.

Can’t get a moment’s peace, doc. I don’t know the last time I got to watch an entire football game without some intrusion from her family or friends. Once they even brought the cops, but the cops were my pals Ed and Ray, and we just hung out and watched the rest of the game together. There’s a couple of people who know where it’s at.

Not like that goddamn judge. So doc, what’s the story? You gonna stare at me like that some more, or can I just go, now that we both know this whole arrangement is useless?

Be Famous! Be an Imbecile!

Do You Have What It Takes to Be in the News?

1. You are a Palestinian with some local influence. There’s a good chance your leadership can work non-violently to build international political pressure on Israel to relinquish enough territory for a viable state. You enable this peaceful strategy by:
a) Launching rocket and mortar attacks against Israeli towns.
b) Bombing Israeli bus stops.
c) Killing Israeli children in their beds, or at least cheering when it happens.
d) Smuggling weapons in from Iran.
e) All of the above.

2. You are a Middle Eastern dictator, in power for decades. Suddenly, the people begin making demands regarding transparency, democracy and rule of law. You engage your people’s loyalty and support by:
a) Equating democracy and rule of law with Islamic extremism.
b) Exhibiting unbridled arrogance and paternalism toward your citizens.
c) Making wild claims about  the motives and Al-Qaeda backing of your opponents.
d) Daring the West to humiliate you with their vastly superior weaponry, which they have done a number of times before quite effectively.
e) All of the above.

3.  Your OPEC-member South American nation depends on the American market for its petroleum exports. You develop this market by:
a) Cultivating strong ties with America-baiter Mahmoud Ahmadinijad.
b) Calling Muammar Qaddafi your friend.
c) Consistently siding with Palestinians against the US’s closest ally in the Middle East.
d) Attributing the lack of life on Mars to capitalism.
e) All of the above.

4.  You are a Republican New York Congressman. To bolster your patriotic credentials and increase your chances of reelection, you:
a) Pander to bigots by calling all Muslim Americans onto the carpet for supposed failure to denounce violence with sufficient vehemence.
b) Explain away your prior support for the terrorist group IRA by noting that they only targeted the British, who don’t count as allies or something.
c)  Alienate American Muslims, a growing voter constituency, by calling their patriotism into question.
d) Hold McCarthy-like hearings that only serve to emphasize your inconsistent values.
e) All of the above.

5. A group of Muslims has been praying regularly for years in a derelict building that happens to be within a few blocks of the World Trade Center site. In response to plans to transform their property into a full-fledged cultural center, you:
a) Smear an entire religion of 750,000,000 adherents based on the actions of 25.
b) Oppose the creation of the cultural center on such “hallowed ground,” while ignoring the presence in the same hallowed area of strip clubs and other questionable establishments.
c) Attempt to prevent the center’s construction by calling for the building’s designation as a landmark, although no one seemed to care about that building before the center was proposed, and other nearby buildings damaged on 9/11 have been demolished with no objection from you.
d)  All of the above.

6. The scientific method, unerring bedrock of Western industrial and commercial dominance over the last two centuries, points to conclusions that make some of your constituents uncomfortable. As a member of Congress, you:
a) Grasp at straws to try to undermine the solid scientific consensus over global warming.
b) Cling to a literal, Creationist view regarding evolution and the origins of the universe.
c) Attempt to force schools to teach alternatives to Darwinian theory, despite the complete absence of scientifically supportable alternatives.
d) Accept gifts from pharmaceutical and commercial interests while claiming to base your legislative agenda solely on factual considerations.
e) All of the above.

7. While society at large has shown increasing acceptance of homosexuals, your religious or social sensibilities do not square with that trend. You:
a) Claim not to oppose homosexuals per se, but the homosexual lifestyle, whatever the hell that is.
b) Tout the critical need to maintain Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, despite no evidence that it works, or is even necessary.
c) Defend the institution of marriage, which doesn’t seem to be in such hot shape under the aegis of heterosexuals in the first place, what with 1 out of 2 marriages ending in divorce.
d) In the face of all evidence to the contrary, assert that a homosexual orientation is a choice.
e) All of the above.