I have the most amazing mobile phone. You know what it does? It makes calls. It receives calls. It remembers numbers. Unfortunately, I have been dissuaded from further use of this phone. Alas, it has aged, and recently acquired a tendency to turn off at random times.
Hearing of this crisis, my loyal brother-in-law swooped in and bought not one, but two phones, with various bells and whistles of which I’d never dreamed. Ok, that’s not strictly true. I did have a dream once that involved a cellphone camera, a pair of fuzzy dice and a ukulele. Or maybe it was a vuvuzela. You’d have to ask the cows.
Anyway, this new phone does waaay more than a phone should. All you people out there surfing the web on screens no larger than a standard Hoyle playing card: GET A LIFE. Thank you. I do not need this phone’s many features, but the manufacturers seems to have conspired not to offer anything basic anymore, or they’ve redefined “basic” to mean “more advanced than Star Trek (the original; the Next Generation and Voyager models will be released in 2012 and 2015, respectively), but without the funky Vulcan ears”.
I don’t want games, no matter how awesome they might be. I don’t want a camera; it’s just another thing that can (and will, given recent weeks) malfunction. I don’t want an mp3 player; there’s enough noise in my life as it is. I don’t even want to send text messages. I waste enough time posting to my blog – why would I need to add distractions?
The only cellphone feature I find cool is on my wife’s phone: a flashlight. THAT is handy. Especially when you’re walking along the street at night and you want to avoid bumping into the idiots pecking away at their mobile devices instead of looking where they’re going.